She.me?

I am currently in an extremely confused state.
I currently have some weird emotions towards someone who I really should not be. Literally, all forces are against this. This person is a member of staff at my school. I am 18 and the person is 21. 3 years difference. I find myself thinking about person X almost throughout the day and my mind wonders off into so many different scenarios. At first it started off as admiration; X was basically how I always wanted myself to be. X is determined and so cool. Now however, I am finding myself getting more and more attracted to X. I have the burning desire to hug/hold X and just hold on to them. I know it is completely wrong and I really shouldn't be thinking this, but I am getting the same vibes from X. I feel like the same thing holding me back is what holds X back. the teacher-student relationship, the age, the sex.
I really want to be best friends with X. I want to have long night chats, cuddles, deep conversations with this person. I want to watch movies at night. I want to kiss them for long periods of time, I want to be able to hold X's hand and have them whisper in my ear; reassuring me of their emotions.
I swear I think about this person more than I think about myself.  X is one of those people you just have to love. X is amazing. I am actually so happy to have met X. Literally, just seeing X makes me so happy. I have been quite happy lately, and my heart skips a beat when I see X. But due to circumstance, I have also been quite sad. I cannot express myself how I would normally do. I cannot friend them on social media, I cannot touch them and it kills me deeply. I just want to be able to be with them simply, without it being a big deal.
I'm also trying to figure out who I am. Am I this person now? the girl who falls for the teacher.
Different people have told me that X has spoken about me to them. Just as I have made excuses to bring X up, I guess X is doing the same. Being subtle but also trying. Its an extremely complicated situation and I hate it.This is ridiculous. I spend hours stalking X as much as I can with the limited access I have. X is so beautiful. X deserves a wonderful lovely experience. I'm just not sure if this is a phase or if this is real. What I am sure of however, is that this is really hard. Just thinking about X makes me shiver and I get butterflies and goosebumps. Its exciting!

Not sadness

I'm secretly a really sad person, but I'm okay with that.

I spend hours in my own mind; makings stories up and dreaming - sometimes about nothing. I caused this. I enjoy my own company far too much. It's just easier and less of a hassle. I mean, friendships always turn sour, but that's no reason not to keep them going - I know. 

I guess I'm still figuring stuff out. I'm only 17. 

I guess I have time x

Spaced.

I'm so scared and I don't know what to do. I'm so unsure of so many things and I don't know where to start from in figuring things out. It's clear that I'm completely lost at the moment. There might not be a story to tell. But I want to keep trying to write it. It's mostly just sad stories, but at least there are stories I think. 

I feel like I'm going to throw up or faint or maybe cry my eyes out literally. I'm just so tired. I know giving up is not an option but I'm sure pausing is. 

Becoming Clear

This title means a number of things. 

I am currently in the middle of my university applications. To say it is stressful would be dying very little. But of course it is stressful. Anything worth doing isn't easy. You learn that over the years. That is the reason why I have now decided to let the next few weeks and couple of months be an unforgettable experience. I want to enjoy the journey and stop waiting to get to the end. I want to do everything I do, well; and to my best ability. 

I want to learn to avoid stress and be appreciative.

I know that this is just the beginning of my journey. The introduction to my life has been an amazing experience and learning opportunity. I am glad all what happened to me happened exactly when it did; and I regret nothing. 

Having a good experience as a teenager is one thing, but having a memorable one is another. I am glad I lived it to the fullest. Without getting into too much trouble and withouth going against my principles. Although, like any other teen, I did fall a couple of times; but the best part was in the way I picked myself up again. I have not changed very much, u think, but I have grown a lot. I have found ways to keep remembering my priorities and stay on the right track. There are tough times when I get down and just generally tired; but I remember: giving up is easy, but that's not a good enough story.

I want the story of my life to be significant and not mediocre. I want to do good. I want to bless others. Most importantly I want to be the sunshine and the joy to as many people's lives as possible, because I have realised the one true thing that makes me happy, and trully fulfilled, is bringing a smile to anyone's face, and making sure they feel loved, even if I don't. Everyone deserves to be loved. It doesn't matter what their backstory is. 

Sleepless.

Been lying on my bed for almost two hours now thinking of a boy. Two full hours. What am I doing with my life at the moment.

I mean I prayed a little; so I guess the two hours weren't wasted completely. 

The fact that I'm like 99.9% sure he isn't even concerned about my life is what is just making me question what the heck my emotions are playing at.

Sigh.

Teenage years...

Alone?

I know I'm not alone spiritually and all that; my God is always with me. But at this specific moment in time, right now, I just feel secluded. I don't think it's such a big issue to be honest and I know everyone probably experiences times like this (I have become pretty in good in keeping my calm, as you must have noticed- there's ln point in making a big deal out of nothing); but it just feels really weird today; I just feel so out of myself today. 

I think this in part had to do with my desire for; not a boyfriend; just someone who I can share things with and who is on the same page as me spiritually, emotionally and mentally. Just someone who checks up on me once in a while you know- that feeling is nice. 

I have probably lost my desire to want to share real things with people; firstly because you realise at a point that not many people really care: hence the fact I have lost the point of twitter. Why should I spill my guts out to no one in particular; if people care, they would make an effort. 

I just hate being the one to always do so. I think I'm just going to let things fall.

I used to find so much joy in making people smile and just generally seeing people happy (i used to always feel way worse when my friends/people in General were sad compared to when I personally was sad). Now it just seems like people don't take you seriously anymore when you constantly joke around. 

I don't know. I don't just like this current feeling. I'm done. Forget this dumb emotions for now.

Random thoughts.

I feel nothing at the moment. The only thing on my mind is finish my 5000 word extended project; of which I have written 600 and something words. Nice right. This week has gone by so fast. I finished reading Along For The Ride by Sarah Dessen, and upon doing so I was thinking of adding a book review blog to the three blogs I already have, and find hard-ish to maintain. I guess it just gives me something to do to fill my time. I don't know why I stopped blogging when I was in year 10 and deleted all my old posts, oh yes actually I remember, the boy I had some feelings for, and wrote stuff about found my blog. Ultimate cringe I know right. I found I really enjoy blogging. It feels like it just comes so naturally to me: the whole process of putting down your thoughts, unfiltered, exposed but not exposed; well that is depending on who reads the blog posts. Which brings me to this, I do not know if I want anyone to read my blog; frankly I don't know if anyone would really care to read my not-so-whiny blog. it should be fun to see how this pans out.
Another thing I have realised, is that my own company is my best company. There's no pressure to try to hard to be anything else but myself, to try to fit in of some sort. I can just be at peace with a novel in hand, some music, my own thoughts and lastly the atmosphere of nothingness filled with something special- myself. It is difficult to think that people can just go on and on without taking out a brief moment to stop and appreciate the things around them. To just reflect. To breathe. No matter how short or insanely long this brief moment is; I just think it is needed. I don't think I would advertise this blog. It should be my little space, and for whomever I choose to share it with. :)