Sometimes, I think I can do it all. I want to do it all. I need to do it all. Asking for help does not come naturally to me, nor is it a skill I have mastered; but I am slowly realising it is worth practicing (I'm getting better). I have been at university now for three weeks or thereabout and at first I was fine; I'm always fine: I try my best not to complain, I sit and do my work when I can, I make people laugh, I try to remain emotionless and normal. It is hard, no doubt. The stress hits you like a high speed train as you try to cross the tracks just minding your own business. There is a lot to do and there are so many things going on.
I make lists, sometimes I write lists or just copy a list again and again throughout a day just to make sure i have done, and I do, every single thing I need to. I micromanage. It's an extremely efficient way to plan your days and ensure the smooth running of your life. If I didn't micromanage myself, I would be more lost than I already am.
I need a friend I can trust and confide in. I need someone who will understand me. I need friends like my old friends. I want my old friends. This is the thing: you can micromanage your life as much as possible; I made myself believe everything was going well when deep down I know it isn't. School and work wise I am fine; but emotionally, I know I am very messed up. I stay searching for something - and honestly I don't particularly know what it is. I am hungry for something. Starving.
They say everything happens for a reason.
I broke down today for a reason. I let it all out today for a reason.
I can write as many lists as I want. I can plan my life as specifically as I desire. I can try my best (85%) to control my emotions and stay calm and collected.
But the truth it, with everything going on, with where I am,
with the life we live
Everybody needs a breakdown.
At least once in a while.
It is like a reset button. You crash. You reboot. You reemerge.
It's a cycle.
Previously posted on other blog - October 7th 2015
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