Yes. I know I am at university, and I am studying towards getting my degree, and I'm working hard (I hope) and I am trying to do all I can, so I can do all I can. Do you understand?
It is really not that hard to get lost here. You have full responsibility over yourself and you are expected not to mess it up - well, my parents are hundred percent sure I would not mess it up. The real question is, am I sure.
I guess I'm at about forty percent - both ways. The other twenty percent is me begging the google maps in my brain not to lose the internet connection so I can stay on track.
It has been a month, or just over and I would not lie; I am still struggling. Not academically. Not socially (not really). It's just that my pace is slow. I know I am walking at a slow pace because I can literally feel my feet dragging as I struggle to walk up the mighty hills of Bristol every morning. I stop to catch my breath three or four times, whilst trying to hide the feeling of my heart wanting to fall out of my chest. I struggle.
I expected university to be the place where I found her; but, she is completely lost.
My phone battery is dead and I am unable to communicate effectively with the girl upstairs - unless I scream and shout. I am tired of screaming and shouting. Why would she not just listen to what I am trying to say? Am I not speaking clearly enough. I know she would rather I say it through an electronic device, but here I am, facing her, looking right at her. I feel she doesn't like to look back at me. Put down your phone, girl!
I vaguely remember the way. I have a picture in my head that I am trying to follow, but there are just so many detours and stop signs, that I am finding it difficult to grasp the difference between left and right. And to add to this, there is this one road I am not sure if to cross or not. I just keep looking left, right and left again, hoping I don't get run over.
I always stop at the library to borrow another map, as I seem to have lost mine, but I cannot seem to find the section with the correct initials: L. A. I have even once tried borrowing someone else's map - but the she was not on my route, her directions were unclear and, I never really saw myself as a follower.
There is a reason why going downhill is quicker than going up: it is easier. You are allowing yourself to tumble, knowing that once you get to the bottom you can rest. Although, have you realised you are right back where you started.
The peak is scary, and blinding. You look up and the harsh rays of the sun makes everything unclear - you get puzzled, confused and my favourite: lost. You may even fall! The only thing you can be sure of, is that you are not sure what the top looks like, but you really want to go there.
If you are like me, your breathing will be a problem. Try not to complain because your impatience will steal your breath and you would have to force yourself to just stop! Please stop, and think about what it is you are doing. Where are you now? Are you in the right place? Are you going through the correct pitstops? Have you even found the pitstops and checkpoints? Please check yourself, even when you cannot find a suitable checkpoint. Check yourself.
I am getting used to the hills. Thus, I refuse to take the bus as I quite enjoy the feeling of accomplishment when I get to the top every morning and I know I did just a bit better than yesterday. In fact, it proves to me that I am not as lazy as my step-counter tells me. Each day, I stop to catch my breath less and I try to work out the directions. Be careful not to ask strangers for your directions - not everyone knows; some pretend to know and some don't just care.
It may be a struggle once in a while, especially when you (I) come across a new, unexpected hill. You may not be in the mood to climb it; you may not even be in the mood to look at it. Remind yourself (myself) you have had practice at climbing - every day practice with hills of different sizes, so, you can do this.
As much as it is about the journey, and although you cannot see the ending clearly or even know what it is meant to look like; I think one of the most important things is remembering you have directions and guidance you can follow. Keep reading your manual - your questions will be answered.
You are not alone though. I am not alone. I just need to remember that. Remember to pray, remember to read His words, remember to speak His words, remember to share His love, and most importantly remember to LIVE His words.
I am still hoping that as my destination gets clearer and the fog is swept away from my eyes, I will choose the right steps.
So, where are you going then? Because I vaguely think I know where I am supposed to be going.
Originally posted - October 28th 2015
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