Lost Within Myself

If all else fails, write.

I have been laying on my bed, in my university accommodation building for two hours now trying to fall asleep.

I'm nocturnal; so me trying to go to sleep by 9pm was actually a joke - I played myself.

In these two hours, I have been listening to Enya. Enya's voice is the literal description of my soul. I can feel the pain in her voice, although I cannot voice my own pain. I can - am able to, write it though, and even that; with every blog post typed in darkness, is painful. This is difficult to write because it requires me to look deep within myself and confront the many things I have been trying to avoid for the past two months.

As cliche as it sounds, I have Completey lost myself at university. I thought this could never happen to me but i HAVE BEEN BLINDSIDED.

I have been hit by a fast moving train which has set me back. Shattered me into a million pieces across the floor. I have been looking for pieces, I am STILL looking for pieces, but the unfortunate thing is I have no idea where to look.

I knew I was derailing, I KNOW I AM STILL DERAILING. BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP MYSELF.

honestly... I don't even know if I want to stop. This life is fast-paced. There is always something happening. I have ignored myself for so long. I have refused to face myself. I know this because I have declined in facing God.

I have derailed.

I have seriously derailed.

I am lost. I am so so lost. And there is nothing I can do. There is literally no one I feel comfortable talking to about it. All the people I know are on the extreme. I ave two best friends - but I feel I can't even describe what is happening to me to myself let alone to them. They are understanding and I know they wouldn't judge; but I just don't want to seem weak and lost to them.

I am supposed to be strong. I have always been strong.

No one knows the tears i CRY. No one knows the pain I feel. No one knows the burden I carry. But I guess I need to stop feeling like I am the only one going through things.

The crazy thing is; I feel more emotional towards things not experienced by me. I would rather feel pity towards others and help/uplift others - and I have just now realised in doing that, I have allowed myself to lose myself, after all the effort I have put over the years to find myself (initially), and hold on to her.

I think I may deal with things a little differently than most people. I cry in silence. I cry in the dark. I let it all out and then I toughen up again.

In doing this, have I managed to shut so many people out? Have I managed to seclude myself. I have managed to grow into myself, with high walls barricading me from the outside.

I will not allow anything cause me pain on purpose - thus I don't really see how i CAN BE IN A RELATIONSHIP. I am an overly paranoid, territorial, jealous, psychopath. Is this who I am, or do I need to change.

This is part of the problem.

I was fine by myself at the beginning of university right. I was fine.

Yes, I always went on about how I wanted a boy friend or a close relationship with someone special - but being in this and actually starting to have growing feelings for someone is actually so messed up and unnatural. I really don't like it. But, I can't control it.

I used to be so good at controlling it. But now I just want to take care of him every second.

I am so lost it's crazy.

Writing helps me put everything into perspective. Helps me make sense of some things. Helps me understand myself better.

I have not solved my problem today - and to be honest, this is so jumbled up; but now I can fall asleep. I have taken down the weights from my shoulders.

For tonight.

-  I'm still searching for her though. I am in here somewhere. I just need o cleanse my heart and mind; and figure out what I actually want, what I'm actually doing and what I need to get to where I need to be.

Originally Posted - January 18th 2016