It's actually starting to get annoying now. How do I always seem to piss people off, even the tiniest bit, and always when I least expect it or think I'm just joking around. I am immature, and I need to grow up. At first I thought it was okay to not take myself too seriously a greater percentage of the time but now I realise, that train of thought is self damaging. My outlook on things becomes strayed and I take almost everything as a joke. I mean I know I should not but I just can't help myself sometimes.
It is easy to tell ourself what is right, the difficult thing is actually doing what is right and keeping it up. I start off well, excellently even - I'm very good at pretending to be a spectacular human being; but then, obviously you cannot put up an act forever. I used to think "fake it until you make it", but i ave come to realise you cannot fake it, you have to actually try to become it. You get me?
With my family and friends, I like to think I am the sunlight on a rainy day. I like making people laugh, even if it comes to me embarrassing myself, I would do anything to make the people I care about feel comfortable, laugh and be happy. That has just always been who I am. Now, however, it is obvious that this shouldn't always be the case. I have allowed my happiness be dependent on the people around me, in a sense that I want them to be happy so that I can be happy. You get me? But this is so wrong, this is actually a twisted way of thinking and behaving. In trying to help everyone else, I have not allowed anyone help me. To be very honest I do not think I need help - this is the problem - I want to do everything on my own, by myself and in my own terms. It is actually frustrating to deal with. I can't always handle myself all by myself. You get me?
I'm working on it though.
Originally Posted - March 31st 2016
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