Getting Over Myself.

I've been thinking my problem is that I need to get over people. But, yes, it has just dawned on me, yes, just right now, that I really need to get over myself. I need to figure myself out, or something along those lines.

I detest showing my emotions, which leaves me falling into the trap of over-thinking things. Par exemple, de temps en temps, je veux suivre mes emotions mais, je prefere me cacher. Its difficult sometimes, but I just don't see why I should inflict my problems on others. I have to be bold enough, not strong enough, but yes, bold enough, to figure things out for myself.
I used to think, I was indestructible. That no one could do better than me. I was the best thing on the planet in my view. And this allowed me to make a bunch of bad decisions concerning my life. This thought, although, was quickly brought down last summer,when firstly I didn't get the award I really wanted on Prize-giving day. I was quickly reminded that there would always be people who are one or a million steps ahead of you. One, individually, has to find the means to push forward and do things better than the last.

I appreciate the events of last summer, right from the beginning to the end. I would change nothing. It was a learning experience which brought me closer to myself, my family and most especially to God. I was reminded that The Almighty God puts you in certain situations just to remind you how much you need him, especially if you were like me, and was almost lost midst the wrongs of the world. I would continue
to talk about last summer, for one reason, which may be the most important reason for anything I have done in my life: it changed me, not in a cliche instant wow self discovery way, but in  way that it began the process. I was able to start to realize who I was and who I wanted to be. I struggled a bit to stay on track and keep from depression, but it was okay.

Depression is a funny thing, its so easy to want to be depressed. Plug into the saddest of songs at 3am in the morning and think you are the absolute worst thing on the planet. Wanting to vanish, or hide or whatever. But in that moment, or few minutes, hours, days when you allow yourself to feel all the various possible ranges of sadness, you fail to realize there are much more important, scary things happening in the world. sometimes you realize this, but still choose to push them away and you want to be completely selfish in your sadness. You do not want to be sad for someone else, or some country in war or some plane crash somewhere, you want to be sad because you are sad. I say you, only because I'm not sure I feel comfortable using the word I, and hence completely exposing myself to the internet without a shield of some sort.

I am glad i am where I am today. I am in the process. In the process of life, in the process of living. The world is massive, the possibilities are endless. I will continue to try to find the good in thing and grow, not in height (I'm too tall as is), but to grow in the spirit, in wisdom and in sight, so I may have the best perspective on life.

Frankly, life is worth living. If it wasn't, we wouldn't be here in the first place. And even if you think you are here by accident. You are not an accident.

I like to be encouraging, but its sometimes difficult to encourage myself, go by my own advice. I prefer not to disrupt people's lives for the sake of my troubles. But i cannot help but feel the emotions of friends, family even complete strangers. I guess that is the reason I cry during almost every single movie I watch.
I want to be able to feel a much as I can. I want to be able to just experience a variety of everything. During, before and after the experiences. It might not make much sense, but you have to be able to express yourself in someway, so you know its possible to be anything.

Some Infinities are Greater than other infinities.

Life is supposed to be a continuous process. Right? Right. I've been seventeen for some time now; and it still seems like I'm stuck somewhere. Every year on my birthday, I tell myself "This year Laolu, is going to be different"; WHERE IS THE DIFFERENCE?! Its seems I go in a continuous circle, round and round and round, until I get so tired I decide to just fully leave things as they are, and then it seems like I'm stuck again. I don't know what I'm stuck on. Its more personal than relationships, more personal than my love for love, more personal than even my love for motion, which seems to put me in a ranging variety of places. I am not saying I'm completely clueless on my current situation; No, I just think there is more to life than I allow myself to find.

It seems this one boy has entirely engulfed my thinking, but it also seems he only comes back to my mind after a break up with someone else or when I feel like there is no one else. This is not me whining about how I have no boyfriend or whatever. It is simply me, saying, wondering what this boy's significance is to me. I mean no doubt, when we talk, its good: we talk for days, about anything and everything; this probably sounds like such a cliche but its true. I allow myself to tell him stuff, and even now when something happens I still want to tell him, just for his reaction; lol, and the hilarious convo that might come out of it.
I am not stuck on this boy, nope, I simply enjoy this boy. Yes that is the word, enjoy. 3 years now of on and off. Broke up with him twice, and now I feel nothing is as good as the third try, however, I don't even know if I want him or if its just the urge for someone to talk to passionately (and I don't even know if I have that). \
I am a strong willed person, but I just cannot be in competition with other girls for a boy. I would rather give up on such a fight than reduce myself to that- one learns this the hard way lol.
My life is continuous. My imagination is a roller-coaster of everything and my actions, once made are probably deeper than I expected them to be. As, I really do not expect people to be so affected by the things I do, or don't do. This as all other things in life, one learns the hard way.
I have my own little infinity of life-living to learn these. And I am glad I am aware of myself and most especially, others who are affected by myself. Its a whirlwind of a life, these teenage years.