In Wake Of Things

In all things give thanks for this is the will of God in Jesus Christ concerning you - 1 Thessalonians 5:18.

You read the bible and verses like this and try your best to see the good in every situation and every person. You try your best to be optimistic, not to judge others and to love everyone. But, how can you love all and be optimistic when you feel like this, now; the world today is literally going towards the end times.

It has become difficult for a person like me - who usually, always tries to see the good side of every situation, knowing that there is a lesson to be learnt - to come to terms with the problems of the world today. I usually did not care so much about what the government does, or more specifically is not doing or is doing wrong. I never paid attention to the news because I was fed up with only hearing of the bad - everyday a bombing, shooting, natural disaster or some sort of ghastly attack. I began to ignore these things, and in this time, I now realise, I became self obsessed. I know now that this was completely wrong of me. But I simply did not think much of it. Anyways, this is not about me, but as I grew older I realised that there is more to the world than the trivial things I allowed to consume my life - I started to pay attention again.

Yes, it can lead to a heavy weight on your shoulders but that is nothing compared to the pain, terror, confusion and strife those who are personally affected are feeling. We read the news, follow hashtags on social media, try to 'stay woke', but we can never ever fully understand. I hope we never have to fully understand. We can only sympathise with those affected, and those who we know will be affected.

Today the UK government voted in favour of air strikes over Syria. They have literally put the lives of innocent civilians in danger because of the Islamic State, who as these people seem to forget/ignore do not represent the entirety of the country of Islam as a religion.

Why do western governments seem to always think they have all the right to invade another man's country in the name of protecting their own. In what way does that make any sense. They value the lives of the people of the countries they attack much less than the lives of the people of their own country; and it is so fucking ridiculous. They think they are better and superior. No. United Kingdom, who gave you the audacity to go into another man's land and barbarically murder its people. You are disgusting, vile and horrendous. Have you not done enough?! Are you not tired of invading?! You are thieves, murderers and pride yourselves in double standards. Only a few months ago, you sympathised and cried with the family of the little Syrian boy who washed up dead on a Turkish beach, but now you decide to barge into his country and murder his people, claiming the protection of your own country. WHY DO THEIR LIVES MATTER LESS CAMERON, WHY?!

It is extremely disgusting that in this day and age, some believe this is the right way to solve this problem: to order air strikes over a country which is already suffering from the perils of war. The UK government has (not blindly) added to this problem. It makes absolutely no sense that these people believe they have the power, no, the right and the audacity, to claim the lives of innocent civilians on the basis of protection. If this is believed to be the right thing to do, then there is absolutely no way our world would ever function and we will all continue to live in pain, suffering, fear and torture.

Originally Posted - December 3rd 2015

Where are you/am I actually going?

Yes. I know I am at university, and I am studying towards getting my degree, and I'm working hard (I hope) and I am trying to do all I can, so I can do all I can. Do you understand?

It is really not that hard to get lost here. You have full responsibility over yourself and you are expected not to mess it up - well, my parents are hundred percent sure I would not mess it up. The real question is, am I sure.

I guess I'm at about forty percent - both ways. The other twenty percent is me begging the google maps in my brain not to lose the internet connection so I can stay on track.

It has been a month, or just over and I would not lie; I am still struggling. Not academically. Not socially (not really). It's just that my pace is slow. I know I am walking at a slow pace because I can literally feel my feet dragging as I struggle to walk up the mighty hills of Bristol every morning. I stop to catch my breath three or four times, whilst trying to hide the feeling of my heart wanting to fall out of my chest. I struggle.

I expected university to be the place where I found her; but, she is completely lost.

My phone battery is dead and I am unable to communicate effectively with the girl upstairs - unless I scream and shout. I am tired of screaming and shouting. Why would she not just listen to what I am trying to say? Am I not speaking clearly enough. I know she would rather I say it through an electronic device, but here I am, facing her, looking right at her. I feel she doesn't like to look back at me. Put down your phone, girl!

I vaguely remember the way. I have a picture in my head that I am trying to follow, but there are just so many detours and stop signs, that I am finding it difficult to grasp the difference between left and right. And to add to this, there is this one road I am not sure if to cross or not. I just keep looking left, right and left again, hoping I don't get run over.

I always stop at the library to borrow another map, as I seem to have lost mine, but I cannot seem to find the section with the correct initials: L. A. I have even once tried borrowing someone else's map - but the she was not on my route, her directions were unclear and, I never really saw myself as a follower.

There is a reason why going downhill is quicker than going up: it is easier. You are allowing yourself to tumble, knowing that once you get to the bottom you can rest. Although, have you realised you are right back where you started.

The peak is scary, and blinding. You look up and the harsh rays of the sun makes everything unclear - you get puzzled, confused and my favourite: lost. You may even fall! The only thing you can be sure of, is that you are not sure what the top looks like, but you really want to go there.

If you are like me, your breathing will be a problem. Try not to complain because your impatience will steal your breath and you would have to force yourself to just stop! Please stop, and think about what it is you are doing. Where are you now? Are you in the right place? Are you going through the correct pitstops? Have you even found the pitstops and checkpoints? Please check yourself, even when you cannot find a suitable checkpoint. Check yourself.

I am getting used to the hills. Thus, I refuse to take the bus as I quite enjoy the feeling of accomplishment when I get to the top every morning and I know I did just a bit better than yesterday. In fact, it proves to me that I am not as lazy as my step-counter tells me. Each day, I stop to catch my breath less and I try to work out the directions. Be careful not to ask strangers for your directions - not everyone knows; some pretend to know and some don't just care.

It may be a struggle once in a while, especially when you (I) come across a new, unexpected hill. You may not be in the mood to climb it; you may not even be in the mood to look at it. Remind yourself (myself) you have had practice at climbing - every day practice with hills of different sizes, so, you can do this.

As much as it is about the journey, and although you cannot see the ending clearly or even know what it is meant to look like; I think one of the most important things is remembering you have directions and guidance you can follow. Keep reading your manual - your questions will be answered.

You are not alone though. I am not alone. I just need to remember that. Remember to pray, remember to read His words, remember to speak His words, remember to share His love, and most importantly remember to LIVE His words.

I am still hoping that as my destination gets clearer and the fog is swept away from my eyes, I will choose the right steps.

So, where are you going then? Because I vaguely think I know where I am supposed to be going.

Originally posted - October 28th 2015

Everyone needs a breakdown.

Sometimes, I think I can do it all. I want to do it all. I need to do it all. Asking for help does not come naturally to me, nor is it  a skill I have mastered; but I am slowly realising it is worth practicing (I'm getting better). I have been at university now for three weeks or thereabout and at first I was fine; I'm always fine: I try my best not to complain, I sit and do my work when I can, I make people laugh, I try to remain emotionless and normal. It is hard, no doubt. The stress hits you like a high speed train as you try to cross the tracks just minding your own business. There is a lot to do and there are so many things going on.

I make lists, sometimes I write lists or just copy a list again and again throughout a day just to make sure i have done, and I do, every single thing I need to. I micromanage. It's an extremely efficient way to plan your days and ensure the smooth running of your life. If I didn't micromanage myself, I would be more lost than I already am.

I need a friend I can trust and confide in. I need someone who will understand me. I need friends like my old friends. I want my old friends. This is the thing: you can micromanage your life as much as possible; I made myself believe everything was going well when deep down I know it isn't. School and work wise I am fine; but emotionally, I know I am very messed up. I stay searching for something - and honestly I don't particularly know what it is. I am hungry for something. Starving.

They say everything happens for a reason.

I broke down today for a reason. I let it all out today for a reason.

I can write as many lists as I want. I can plan my life as specifically as I desire. I can try my best (85%) to control my emotions and stay calm and collected.

But the truth it, with everything going on, with where I am,

with the life we live

Everybody needs a breakdown.

At least once in a while.

It is like a reset button. You crash. You reboot. You reemerge.

It's a cycle.

Previously posted on other blog - October 7th 2015

Waiting on Painting

Basically,
I have been waiting for my nails to dry;
For a few minutes now I have sat,
I have sat thinking,
In painting my nails I have been forced to think.
Aren't girls lucky.
In trying to make my hands more beautiful,
I have been given the opportunity to sit solemnly.
This, I usually always do;
But now, I have to sit for a long period,
Unable to do anything else,
I like it.


I have just applied my top coat,
A layer of clear nail varnish created to protect the masterpiece underneath.
I have applied this successfully,
I have done my job.
Now, I live the next few days in hope that it does its job.

Top coat is that unseen layer of
hope, faith and love
that is required in living life as a
Christian.

You cannot see it,
You cannot feel it,
physically;
But,
You know it's there.

Tired.

I am extremely tired, sad and a bit lost (but finding my way), and I feel like I am gasping for air inside a vacuum.
I feel like a vacuum. An empty space of nothingness. I feel alone; completely and utterly in the sense - alone.
I am tired of feeling alone.
I am tired of being alone.
I am tired of faking who I am.
I am tired of pretending.
I am tired of trying to be so many different things.
I am tired of not being able to see clearly where I should be going.
I am tired of being stressed about the little things and the big things.
I am tired of feeling everyones pain when i don't even know my own.
I am tired of my work, my life and my discomfort in my body.
I am tired of feeling ugly, less beautiful, not worth it.
I am tired.

I went to church today after about 3 weeks of not attending, and I just feel a few things have been re-highlighted. You know when you re-realise that your lost again and you're just frustrated as to why this keeps happening to you. You ask yourself what it is you are doing wrong and what direction you keep missing or what it is you aren't seeing. It's extremely frustrating I know. I am extremely frustrated.
But, I guess this is life. You have to keep finding your feel. Take  deep breath, dive and remember that once in a while you have to come back up for air.
Resurface, take a step back, analyse, correct, fix, stretch; and dive back in.

Where is Happiness?

I need to be nicer. Not because it is the key to success or anything, but because it is the key to probably my own happiness. You see, being nice does not just affect the live of those you are being nice to, but it radiates the fact that you are an angel: you skin glows, your eyes glisten and you feel lighter. You see, being nice is like a weight being lifted off your shoulder. Imagine this: you are having the worst possible Monday morning, you do not want to go to work or school and you especially do not want to deal with other human beings, because well, it's Monday. So you go around the entire day with a slouched face and back and an angry look on your face; everyone around you tries their best to ignore you for the whole day, thus you are trapped in your own little bubble of frustration for the entirety of the day (and possibly week). That doesn't sound very appealing now, does it?
It would however be much better if you as a person, wakes up every morning, no matter what you may be going through or the deep stricken pain you are going through in your heart or physically, thanking God that you are alive and that you appreciate it, you decide, every morning that you will try your very best (and hardest) to be happy and to showcase the sunlight that radiates from within your heart.
This is still a battle for me, as I oh so easily get irritated, offended and annoyed - I hide most of this anger and annoyance with laughter and silly jokes whilst pretending to be happy. But, honestly, there is no point pretending. It may be hard at first to feel genuine happiness for the longer you appreciate life and learn to appreciate many more things and people, the easier it becomes.
The road to becoming a solar panel for happiness is most times tough, but I tr to remind myself, I am a medium for which some people may first be introduced to God, therefore I should not waste such a gift, job and opportunity showcasing my moody side, but I should ensure my happiness is always center stage, in order to bring happiness unto the audience, crew members and critics of the show.

Post Novel: Americanah

First things first, this was an amazing book. I feel like amazing is not a good enough literary word to describe how this book made me feel. Chimamanda transported me all over the world. She gave, what felt to me like first hand knowledge. She made me fully believe the experiences of these characters. The love story of Efemelu and Obinze jarred my heart open: it made me believe in love and it made me hate love. I wanted to dig deeper into their lives, probably even interview both protagonists in order to help me understand what exactly they were thinking. I wanted them to explain themselves, with me acting as a jury. I wanted to decide who was wrong, right, or at fault. I wanted to meet their parents and have a conversation, especially with Obinze's mother. She seemed to me as the ideal simple (not too extravagant like other Nigerian women), beautiful woman: smart and understanding of youthful love. I felt like even I could tell her anything and I wanted her to give me advice and ask me to translate my name for her. I was shaken by each individual character and almost surprised at how Chimamanda was able to give delicate details of each of them, helping us readers better understand their personalities and attributes. In whole, the book is one I thoroughly enjoyed and as usual for me (with great books) I did not want the story to end. Once I arrived at the last chapter, and I knew it was the last chapter, I felt as sense of loss. One criticism though, as with many books written by great authors, I felt the story ended too abruptly and it felt a bit rushed. I simply wanted more of an explanation and not just the quick 'and this is how the story ends' that you get with most books, almost making you feel as though the author ran out of time or the book was becoming too dense and she had to cut out what to her felt irrelevant - but I SAY THIS TO ALL AUTHORS, NOTHING IS IRRELEVANT! I SIMPLY WANT TO KNOW MORE! Give me all the juicy details! Please. The ending itself upset me quite a bit; not that it was such a shocking ending or anything, but it just left me saying "wtf really?!", and I was confused. To end on a less threatening note, after and while reading the book, I felt myself inherently speaking little phrases of Ibo like "ogini" and "ndo", which I'm not even entirely sure what they mean - Chimamanda did this to me.