In Wake Of Things

In all things give thanks for this is the will of God in Jesus Christ concerning you - 1 Thessalonians 5:18.

You read the bible and verses like this and try your best to see the good in every situation and every person. You try your best to be optimistic, not to judge others and to love everyone. But, how can you love all and be optimistic when you feel like this, now; the world today is literally going towards the end times.

It has become difficult for a person like me - who usually, always tries to see the good side of every situation, knowing that there is a lesson to be learnt - to come to terms with the problems of the world today. I usually did not care so much about what the government does, or more specifically is not doing or is doing wrong. I never paid attention to the news because I was fed up with only hearing of the bad - everyday a bombing, shooting, natural disaster or some sort of ghastly attack. I began to ignore these things, and in this time, I now realise, I became self obsessed. I know now that this was completely wrong of me. But I simply did not think much of it. Anyways, this is not about me, but as I grew older I realised that there is more to the world than the trivial things I allowed to consume my life - I started to pay attention again.

Yes, it can lead to a heavy weight on your shoulders but that is nothing compared to the pain, terror, confusion and strife those who are personally affected are feeling. We read the news, follow hashtags on social media, try to 'stay woke', but we can never ever fully understand. I hope we never have to fully understand. We can only sympathise with those affected, and those who we know will be affected.

Today the UK government voted in favour of air strikes over Syria. They have literally put the lives of innocent civilians in danger because of the Islamic State, who as these people seem to forget/ignore do not represent the entirety of the country of Islam as a religion.

Why do western governments seem to always think they have all the right to invade another man's country in the name of protecting their own. In what way does that make any sense. They value the lives of the people of the countries they attack much less than the lives of the people of their own country; and it is so fucking ridiculous. They think they are better and superior. No. United Kingdom, who gave you the audacity to go into another man's land and barbarically murder its people. You are disgusting, vile and horrendous. Have you not done enough?! Are you not tired of invading?! You are thieves, murderers and pride yourselves in double standards. Only a few months ago, you sympathised and cried with the family of the little Syrian boy who washed up dead on a Turkish beach, but now you decide to barge into his country and murder his people, claiming the protection of your own country. WHY DO THEIR LIVES MATTER LESS CAMERON, WHY?!

It is extremely disgusting that in this day and age, some believe this is the right way to solve this problem: to order air strikes over a country which is already suffering from the perils of war. The UK government has (not blindly) added to this problem. It makes absolutely no sense that these people believe they have the power, no, the right and the audacity, to claim the lives of innocent civilians on the basis of protection. If this is believed to be the right thing to do, then there is absolutely no way our world would ever function and we will all continue to live in pain, suffering, fear and torture.

When you seem to always do something wrong.

It's actually starting to get annoying now. How do I always seem to piss people off, even the tiniest bit, and always when I least expect it or think I'm just joking around. I am immature, and I need to grow up. At first I thought it was okay to not take myself too seriously a greater percentage of the time but now I realise, that train of thought is self damaging. My outlook on things becomes strayed and I take almost everything as a joke. I mean I know I should not but I just can't help myself sometimes.

It is easy to tell ourself what is right, the difficult thing is actually doing what is right and keeping it up. I start off well, excellently even - I'm very good at pretending to be a spectacular human being; but then, obviously you cannot put up an act forever. I used to think "fake it until you make it", but i ave come to realise you cannot fake it, you have to actually try to become it. You get me?

With my family and friends, I like to think I am the sunlight on a rainy day. I like making people laugh, even if it comes to me embarrassing myself, I would do anything to make the people I care about feel comfortable, laugh and be happy. That has just always been who I am. Now, however, it is obvious that this shouldn't always be the case. I have allowed my happiness be dependent on the people around me, in a sense that I want them to be happy so that I can be happy. You get me? But this is so wrong, this is actually a twisted way of thinking and behaving. In trying to help everyone else, I have not allowed anyone help me. To be very honest I do not think I need help - this is the problem - I want to do everything on my own, by myself and in my own terms. It is actually frustrating to deal with. I can't always handle myself all by myself. You get me?

I'm working on it though.

Originally Posted - March 31st 2016

Lost Within Myself

If all else fails, write.

I have been laying on my bed, in my university accommodation building for two hours now trying to fall asleep.

I'm nocturnal; so me trying to go to sleep by 9pm was actually a joke - I played myself.

In these two hours, I have been listening to Enya. Enya's voice is the literal description of my soul. I can feel the pain in her voice, although I cannot voice my own pain. I can - am able to, write it though, and even that; with every blog post typed in darkness, is painful. This is difficult to write because it requires me to look deep within myself and confront the many things I have been trying to avoid for the past two months.

As cliche as it sounds, I have Completey lost myself at university. I thought this could never happen to me but i HAVE BEEN BLINDSIDED.

I have been hit by a fast moving train which has set me back. Shattered me into a million pieces across the floor. I have been looking for pieces, I am STILL looking for pieces, but the unfortunate thing is I have no idea where to look.

I knew I was derailing, I KNOW I AM STILL DERAILING. BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP MYSELF.

honestly... I don't even know if I want to stop. This life is fast-paced. There is always something happening. I have ignored myself for so long. I have refused to face myself. I know this because I have declined in facing God.

I have derailed.

I have seriously derailed.

I am lost. I am so so lost. And there is nothing I can do. There is literally no one I feel comfortable talking to about it. All the people I know are on the extreme. I ave two best friends - but I feel I can't even describe what is happening to me to myself let alone to them. They are understanding and I know they wouldn't judge; but I just don't want to seem weak and lost to them.

I am supposed to be strong. I have always been strong.

No one knows the tears i CRY. No one knows the pain I feel. No one knows the burden I carry. But I guess I need to stop feeling like I am the only one going through things.

The crazy thing is; I feel more emotional towards things not experienced by me. I would rather feel pity towards others and help/uplift others - and I have just now realised in doing that, I have allowed myself to lose myself, after all the effort I have put over the years to find myself (initially), and hold on to her.

I think I may deal with things a little differently than most people. I cry in silence. I cry in the dark. I let it all out and then I toughen up again.

In doing this, have I managed to shut so many people out? Have I managed to seclude myself. I have managed to grow into myself, with high walls barricading me from the outside.

I will not allow anything cause me pain on purpose - thus I don't really see how i CAN BE IN A RELATIONSHIP. I am an overly paranoid, territorial, jealous, psychopath. Is this who I am, or do I need to change.

This is part of the problem.

I was fine by myself at the beginning of university right. I was fine.

Yes, I always went on about how I wanted a boy friend or a close relationship with someone special - but being in this and actually starting to have growing feelings for someone is actually so messed up and unnatural. I really don't like it. But, I can't control it.

I used to be so good at controlling it. But now I just want to take care of him every second.

I am so lost it's crazy.

Writing helps me put everything into perspective. Helps me make sense of some things. Helps me understand myself better.

I have not solved my problem today - and to be honest, this is so jumbled up; but now I can fall asleep. I have taken down the weights from my shoulders.

For tonight.

-  I'm still searching for her though. I am in here somewhere. I just need o cleanse my heart and mind; and figure out what I actually want, what I'm actually doing and what I need to get to where I need to be.

Originally Posted - January 18th 2016

In Wake Of Things

In all things give thanks for this is the will of God in Jesus Christ concerning you - 1 Thessalonians 5:18.

You read the bible and verses like this and try your best to see the good in every situation and every person. You try your best to be optimistic, not to judge others and to love everyone. But, how can you love all and be optimistic when you feel like this, now; the world today is literally going towards the end times.

It has become difficult for a person like me - who usually, always tries to see the good side of every situation, knowing that there is a lesson to be learnt - to come to terms with the problems of the world today. I usually did not care so much about what the government does, or more specifically is not doing or is doing wrong. I never paid attention to the news because I was fed up with only hearing of the bad - everyday a bombing, shooting, natural disaster or some sort of ghastly attack. I began to ignore these things, and in this time, I now realise, I became self obsessed. I know now that this was completely wrong of me. But I simply did not think much of it. Anyways, this is not about me, but as I grew older I realised that there is more to the world than the trivial things I allowed to consume my life - I started to pay attention again.

Yes, it can lead to a heavy weight on your shoulders but that is nothing compared to the pain, terror, confusion and strife those who are personally affected are feeling. We read the news, follow hashtags on social media, try to 'stay woke', but we can never ever fully understand. I hope we never have to fully understand. We can only sympathise with those affected, and those who we know will be affected.

Today the UK government voted in favour of air strikes over Syria. They have literally put the lives of innocent civilians in danger because of the Islamic State, who as these people seem to forget/ignore do not represent the entirety of the country of Islam as a religion.

Why do western governments seem to always think they have all the right to invade another man's country in the name of protecting their own. In what way does that make any sense. They value the lives of the people of the countries they attack much less than the lives of the people of their own country; and it is so fucking ridiculous. They think they are better and superior. No. United Kingdom, who gave you the audacity to go into another man's land and barbarically murder its people. You are disgusting, vile and horrendous. Have you not done enough?! Are you not tired of invading?! You are thieves, murderers and pride yourselves in double standards. Only a few months ago, you sympathised and cried with the family of the little Syrian boy who washed up dead on a Turkish beach, but now you decide to barge into his country and murder his people, claiming the protection of your own country. WHY DO THEIR LIVES MATTER LESS CAMERON, WHY?!

It is extremely disgusting that in this day and age, some believe this is the right way to solve this problem: to order air strikes over a country which is already suffering from the perils of war. The UK government has (not blindly) added to this problem. It makes absolutely no sense that these people believe they have the power, no, the right and the audacity, to claim the lives of innocent civilians on the basis of protection. If this is believed to be the right thing to do, then there is absolutely no way our world would ever function and we will all continue to live in pain, suffering, fear and torture.

Originally Posted - December 3rd 2015

Where are you/am I actually going?

Yes. I know I am at university, and I am studying towards getting my degree, and I'm working hard (I hope) and I am trying to do all I can, so I can do all I can. Do you understand?

It is really not that hard to get lost here. You have full responsibility over yourself and you are expected not to mess it up - well, my parents are hundred percent sure I would not mess it up. The real question is, am I sure.

I guess I'm at about forty percent - both ways. The other twenty percent is me begging the google maps in my brain not to lose the internet connection so I can stay on track.

It has been a month, or just over and I would not lie; I am still struggling. Not academically. Not socially (not really). It's just that my pace is slow. I know I am walking at a slow pace because I can literally feel my feet dragging as I struggle to walk up the mighty hills of Bristol every morning. I stop to catch my breath three or four times, whilst trying to hide the feeling of my heart wanting to fall out of my chest. I struggle.

I expected university to be the place where I found her; but, she is completely lost.

My phone battery is dead and I am unable to communicate effectively with the girl upstairs - unless I scream and shout. I am tired of screaming and shouting. Why would she not just listen to what I am trying to say? Am I not speaking clearly enough. I know she would rather I say it through an electronic device, but here I am, facing her, looking right at her. I feel she doesn't like to look back at me. Put down your phone, girl!

I vaguely remember the way. I have a picture in my head that I am trying to follow, but there are just so many detours and stop signs, that I am finding it difficult to grasp the difference between left and right. And to add to this, there is this one road I am not sure if to cross or not. I just keep looking left, right and left again, hoping I don't get run over.

I always stop at the library to borrow another map, as I seem to have lost mine, but I cannot seem to find the section with the correct initials: L. A. I have even once tried borrowing someone else's map - but the she was not on my route, her directions were unclear and, I never really saw myself as a follower.

There is a reason why going downhill is quicker than going up: it is easier. You are allowing yourself to tumble, knowing that once you get to the bottom you can rest. Although, have you realised you are right back where you started.

The peak is scary, and blinding. You look up and the harsh rays of the sun makes everything unclear - you get puzzled, confused and my favourite: lost. You may even fall! The only thing you can be sure of, is that you are not sure what the top looks like, but you really want to go there.

If you are like me, your breathing will be a problem. Try not to complain because your impatience will steal your breath and you would have to force yourself to just stop! Please stop, and think about what it is you are doing. Where are you now? Are you in the right place? Are you going through the correct pitstops? Have you even found the pitstops and checkpoints? Please check yourself, even when you cannot find a suitable checkpoint. Check yourself.

I am getting used to the hills. Thus, I refuse to take the bus as I quite enjoy the feeling of accomplishment when I get to the top every morning and I know I did just a bit better than yesterday. In fact, it proves to me that I am not as lazy as my step-counter tells me. Each day, I stop to catch my breath less and I try to work out the directions. Be careful not to ask strangers for your directions - not everyone knows; some pretend to know and some don't just care.

It may be a struggle once in a while, especially when you (I) come across a new, unexpected hill. You may not be in the mood to climb it; you may not even be in the mood to look at it. Remind yourself (myself) you have had practice at climbing - every day practice with hills of different sizes, so, you can do this.

As much as it is about the journey, and although you cannot see the ending clearly or even know what it is meant to look like; I think one of the most important things is remembering you have directions and guidance you can follow. Keep reading your manual - your questions will be answered.

You are not alone though. I am not alone. I just need to remember that. Remember to pray, remember to read His words, remember to speak His words, remember to share His love, and most importantly remember to LIVE His words.

I am still hoping that as my destination gets clearer and the fog is swept away from my eyes, I will choose the right steps.

So, where are you going then? Because I vaguely think I know where I am supposed to be going.

Originally posted - October 28th 2015

Everyone needs a breakdown.

Sometimes, I think I can do it all. I want to do it all. I need to do it all. Asking for help does not come naturally to me, nor is it  a skill I have mastered; but I am slowly realising it is worth practicing (I'm getting better). I have been at university now for three weeks or thereabout and at first I was fine; I'm always fine: I try my best not to complain, I sit and do my work when I can, I make people laugh, I try to remain emotionless and normal. It is hard, no doubt. The stress hits you like a high speed train as you try to cross the tracks just minding your own business. There is a lot to do and there are so many things going on.

I make lists, sometimes I write lists or just copy a list again and again throughout a day just to make sure i have done, and I do, every single thing I need to. I micromanage. It's an extremely efficient way to plan your days and ensure the smooth running of your life. If I didn't micromanage myself, I would be more lost than I already am.

I need a friend I can trust and confide in. I need someone who will understand me. I need friends like my old friends. I want my old friends. This is the thing: you can micromanage your life as much as possible; I made myself believe everything was going well when deep down I know it isn't. School and work wise I am fine; but emotionally, I know I am very messed up. I stay searching for something - and honestly I don't particularly know what it is. I am hungry for something. Starving.

They say everything happens for a reason.

I broke down today for a reason. I let it all out today for a reason.

I can write as many lists as I want. I can plan my life as specifically as I desire. I can try my best (85%) to control my emotions and stay calm and collected.

But the truth it, with everything going on, with where I am,

with the life we live

Everybody needs a breakdown.

At least once in a while.

It is like a reset button. You crash. You reboot. You reemerge.

It's a cycle.

Previously posted on other blog - October 7th 2015

Waiting on Painting

Basically,
I have been waiting for my nails to dry;
For a few minutes now I have sat,
I have sat thinking,
In painting my nails I have been forced to think.
Aren't girls lucky.
In trying to make my hands more beautiful,
I have been given the opportunity to sit solemnly.
This, I usually always do;
But now, I have to sit for a long period,
Unable to do anything else,
I like it.


I have just applied my top coat,
A layer of clear nail varnish created to protect the masterpiece underneath.
I have applied this successfully,
I have done my job.
Now, I live the next few days in hope that it does its job.

Top coat is that unseen layer of
hope, faith and love
that is required in living life as a
Christian.

You cannot see it,
You cannot feel it,
physically;
But,
You know it's there.

Tired.

I am extremely tired, sad and a bit lost (but finding my way), and I feel like I am gasping for air inside a vacuum.
I feel like a vacuum. An empty space of nothingness. I feel alone; completely and utterly in the sense - alone.
I am tired of feeling alone.
I am tired of being alone.
I am tired of faking who I am.
I am tired of pretending.
I am tired of trying to be so many different things.
I am tired of not being able to see clearly where I should be going.
I am tired of being stressed about the little things and the big things.
I am tired of feeling everyones pain when i don't even know my own.
I am tired of my work, my life and my discomfort in my body.
I am tired of feeling ugly, less beautiful, not worth it.
I am tired.

I went to church today after about 3 weeks of not attending, and I just feel a few things have been re-highlighted. You know when you re-realise that your lost again and you're just frustrated as to why this keeps happening to you. You ask yourself what it is you are doing wrong and what direction you keep missing or what it is you aren't seeing. It's extremely frustrating I know. I am extremely frustrated.
But, I guess this is life. You have to keep finding your feel. Take  deep breath, dive and remember that once in a while you have to come back up for air.
Resurface, take a step back, analyse, correct, fix, stretch; and dive back in.

Where is Happiness?

I need to be nicer. Not because it is the key to success or anything, but because it is the key to probably my own happiness. You see, being nice does not just affect the live of those you are being nice to, but it radiates the fact that you are an angel: you skin glows, your eyes glisten and you feel lighter. You see, being nice is like a weight being lifted off your shoulder. Imagine this: you are having the worst possible Monday morning, you do not want to go to work or school and you especially do not want to deal with other human beings, because well, it's Monday. So you go around the entire day with a slouched face and back and an angry look on your face; everyone around you tries their best to ignore you for the whole day, thus you are trapped in your own little bubble of frustration for the entirety of the day (and possibly week). That doesn't sound very appealing now, does it?
It would however be much better if you as a person, wakes up every morning, no matter what you may be going through or the deep stricken pain you are going through in your heart or physically, thanking God that you are alive and that you appreciate it, you decide, every morning that you will try your very best (and hardest) to be happy and to showcase the sunlight that radiates from within your heart.
This is still a battle for me, as I oh so easily get irritated, offended and annoyed - I hide most of this anger and annoyance with laughter and silly jokes whilst pretending to be happy. But, honestly, there is no point pretending. It may be hard at first to feel genuine happiness for the longer you appreciate life and learn to appreciate many more things and people, the easier it becomes.
The road to becoming a solar panel for happiness is most times tough, but I tr to remind myself, I am a medium for which some people may first be introduced to God, therefore I should not waste such a gift, job and opportunity showcasing my moody side, but I should ensure my happiness is always center stage, in order to bring happiness unto the audience, crew members and critics of the show.

Post Novel: Americanah

First things first, this was an amazing book. I feel like amazing is not a good enough literary word to describe how this book made me feel. Chimamanda transported me all over the world. She gave, what felt to me like first hand knowledge. She made me fully believe the experiences of these characters. The love story of Efemelu and Obinze jarred my heart open: it made me believe in love and it made me hate love. I wanted to dig deeper into their lives, probably even interview both protagonists in order to help me understand what exactly they were thinking. I wanted them to explain themselves, with me acting as a jury. I wanted to decide who was wrong, right, or at fault. I wanted to meet their parents and have a conversation, especially with Obinze's mother. She seemed to me as the ideal simple (not too extravagant like other Nigerian women), beautiful woman: smart and understanding of youthful love. I felt like even I could tell her anything and I wanted her to give me advice and ask me to translate my name for her. I was shaken by each individual character and almost surprised at how Chimamanda was able to give delicate details of each of them, helping us readers better understand their personalities and attributes. In whole, the book is one I thoroughly enjoyed and as usual for me (with great books) I did not want the story to end. Once I arrived at the last chapter, and I knew it was the last chapter, I felt as sense of loss. One criticism though, as with many books written by great authors, I felt the story ended too abruptly and it felt a bit rushed. I simply wanted more of an explanation and not just the quick 'and this is how the story ends' that you get with most books, almost making you feel as though the author ran out of time or the book was becoming too dense and she had to cut out what to her felt irrelevant - but I SAY THIS TO ALL AUTHORS, NOTHING IS IRRELEVANT! I SIMPLY WANT TO KNOW MORE! Give me all the juicy details! Please. The ending itself upset me quite a bit; not that it was such a shocking ending or anything, but it just left me saying "wtf really?!", and I was confused. To end on a less threatening note, after and while reading the book, I felt myself inherently speaking little phrases of Ibo like "ogini" and "ndo", which I'm not even entirely sure what they mean - Chimamanda did this to me.

7.03pm on a Sunday

Sometimes you just wanna slap your mum. 

But in my country, it's a taboo. 

- the angry daughter mixtape coming soon...

21:47

I swear I am secretly in love with so many people - and I don't think this makes me a hoe or not or just a seriously confuse human being lol. Okay, I probably shouldn't have said love, more like I am in reminiscent of what me and a number of boys used to have. A number being I think 3. It's so weird to think just 2/3 years ago my life was so different, in relation to relationships haha - no pun intended. But now, I am in a cycle of stalking; which tbh doesn't say much about me.
I know it's pathetic to stalk old crushes and all that, but I don't even do it cause I want anything from these people, I just do it cause I can, so why not? - I know the answer to that, trust me.
I am not going to lie to myself or pretend, I want a boyfriend at this stage in my life, just because I am so set on building a strong, long relationship with the person I am going to get married to. I hate strangers basically and for me personally, it is very difficult to open up to people - it takes me ages before I am comfortable with a person,
I know the outside I seem tough and I pretend like I don't care. I cry at stupid things like movies and baby horses, to mask the actual painful stuff. I hate people knowing how much they mean to me, because it just gives them the opportunity to crush, brake and destroy... It's all a front, it has always been and I have only ever allowed very few people (probably one person or probably even none) see the real me - which I don't even know if is the real me or not. What even is real and do I even have the capability to confirm reality.

Post movie: The Sisterhood of Night

I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into. I had tried for many years to fit in. I had pursued friendship, love, affection and in doing so, destruction. As I began to lose weight, I began to lose myself. My identity was not yet known to me; and in those two years, I walked further away from it. I wonder who I would have become was I not to be who I am, was I not to have met certain people in my life. It is a constant battle I am constantly trying to win. But to be honest, I don’t even know what the prize is; and sometimes I simply just want to reach the end. I stopped staying up late listening to music and thinking, imaging, making up scenarios that would never happen. I started a blog – a vent machine; a place where I can share my thoughts, albeit secretly. I started to fucking use words like albeit. I grew up, I fucked up but I stood up. I really don’t know what exactly I stand for, but damn I know what I believe in. It’s a shame I find it hard to talk to actual people. I find speaking a bit too strenuous and to be honest, not very exciting. There really is no point engaging in conversations with people who have no fucking idea who you are, who they are and even what they are talking about. 

The sisterhood of night – a movie I believe every single girl should watch. Based on a short story written by an author I have never heard of, it spoken directly to my heart and as my eyes welled up as the story ended and the soundtrack played on, I thought of who my true friends are and if I felt comfortable sharing my secrets and thoughts with, well, basically everyone. This is one of the reasons I have refused to publicize this blog – trust fucking issues man. I’m not going to say what the movie was about but just that it was about something worth hearing about.

I spend so much time, more time before than now, wanting a boyfriend, no wanting to be loved, no wanting love; when to be very honest I have no idea what it is I want. I don’t have regrets about my past, but I surely don’t want to repeat some things. I’ve learnt a lot the past four years; some things I was definitely not yet ready to learn, but better sooner than later – if that’s even the saying. 

Fuck

I genuinely feel like I am about to kill someone right now. I fucking hate people omfg. wtf. I cant wait to leave this fucking shithole and this fake fuck faces. fuck I don't even like any of them. I am so over this place and the stupid people.
Its enough that I have to deal with them everyfuckingday but then having to deal with them while not even looking at them is so much worse. I hate hearing their conversations and their dumb complaints.
Like they all just need to fuck right off.
Ah. I am so done.

Poem- The Big Step

I grew up and I left myself behind

Now I just walk forward,

Sometimes backward

Not fully understanding who I am or who I should be.

I have now come face to face with a major life decision

The two roads lead to different opportunities, lifestyles;

And to two different variations of a future me.

I know I am strong,

That is not the problem.

My biggest concern is if I am strong enough to do the thing my mind tells me to.

The decision is not only mine.

I have my parents to consider.

Every step of my life has caused conflict between my parents, but it always turns out right:

I succeed and surpass expectations.

Should this not be the case now?

Should I not know now; because of past situations what I am supposed to do?

I would not have been presented this opportunity if it was not my destiny to take it.

Yes, I am beyond scared.

Yes, I have no idea what is in store for me.

But, the one thing I am sure of,

The only thing I am sure of is;

I will succeed.

She.me?

I am currently in an extremely confused state.
I currently have some weird emotions towards someone who I really should not be. Literally, all forces are against this. This person is a member of staff at my school. I am 18 and the person is 21. 3 years difference. I find myself thinking about person X almost throughout the day and my mind wonders off into so many different scenarios. At first it started off as admiration; X was basically how I always wanted myself to be. X is determined and so cool. Now however, I am finding myself getting more and more attracted to X. I have the burning desire to hug/hold X and just hold on to them. I know it is completely wrong and I really shouldn't be thinking this, but I am getting the same vibes from X. I feel like the same thing holding me back is what holds X back. the teacher-student relationship, the age, the sex.
I really want to be best friends with X. I want to have long night chats, cuddles, deep conversations with this person. I want to watch movies at night. I want to kiss them for long periods of time, I want to be able to hold X's hand and have them whisper in my ear; reassuring me of their emotions.
I swear I think about this person more than I think about myself.  X is one of those people you just have to love. X is amazing. I am actually so happy to have met X. Literally, just seeing X makes me so happy. I have been quite happy lately, and my heart skips a beat when I see X. But due to circumstance, I have also been quite sad. I cannot express myself how I would normally do. I cannot friend them on social media, I cannot touch them and it kills me deeply. I just want to be able to be with them simply, without it being a big deal.
I'm also trying to figure out who I am. Am I this person now? the girl who falls for the teacher.
Different people have told me that X has spoken about me to them. Just as I have made excuses to bring X up, I guess X is doing the same. Being subtle but also trying. Its an extremely complicated situation and I hate it.This is ridiculous. I spend hours stalking X as much as I can with the limited access I have. X is so beautiful. X deserves a wonderful lovely experience. I'm just not sure if this is a phase or if this is real. What I am sure of however, is that this is really hard. Just thinking about X makes me shiver and I get butterflies and goosebumps. Its exciting!

Not sadness

I'm secretly a really sad person, but I'm okay with that.

I spend hours in my own mind; makings stories up and dreaming - sometimes about nothing. I caused this. I enjoy my own company far too much. It's just easier and less of a hassle. I mean, friendships always turn sour, but that's no reason not to keep them going - I know. 

I guess I'm still figuring stuff out. I'm only 17. 

I guess I have time x

Spaced.

I'm so scared and I don't know what to do. I'm so unsure of so many things and I don't know where to start from in figuring things out. It's clear that I'm completely lost at the moment. There might not be a story to tell. But I want to keep trying to write it. It's mostly just sad stories, but at least there are stories I think. 

I feel like I'm going to throw up or faint or maybe cry my eyes out literally. I'm just so tired. I know giving up is not an option but I'm sure pausing is. 

Becoming Clear

This title means a number of things. 

I am currently in the middle of my university applications. To say it is stressful would be dying very little. But of course it is stressful. Anything worth doing isn't easy. You learn that over the years. That is the reason why I have now decided to let the next few weeks and couple of months be an unforgettable experience. I want to enjoy the journey and stop waiting to get to the end. I want to do everything I do, well; and to my best ability. 

I want to learn to avoid stress and be appreciative.

I know that this is just the beginning of my journey. The introduction to my life has been an amazing experience and learning opportunity. I am glad all what happened to me happened exactly when it did; and I regret nothing. 

Having a good experience as a teenager is one thing, but having a memorable one is another. I am glad I lived it to the fullest. Without getting into too much trouble and withouth going against my principles. Although, like any other teen, I did fall a couple of times; but the best part was in the way I picked myself up again. I have not changed very much, u think, but I have grown a lot. I have found ways to keep remembering my priorities and stay on the right track. There are tough times when I get down and just generally tired; but I remember: giving up is easy, but that's not a good enough story.

I want the story of my life to be significant and not mediocre. I want to do good. I want to bless others. Most importantly I want to be the sunshine and the joy to as many people's lives as possible, because I have realised the one true thing that makes me happy, and trully fulfilled, is bringing a smile to anyone's face, and making sure they feel loved, even if I don't. Everyone deserves to be loved. It doesn't matter what their backstory is.