Post Novel: Americanah

First things first, this was an amazing book. I feel like amazing is not a good enough literary word to describe how this book made me feel. Chimamanda transported me all over the world. She gave, what felt to me like first hand knowledge. She made me fully believe the experiences of these characters. The love story of Efemelu and Obinze jarred my heart open: it made me believe in love and it made me hate love. I wanted to dig deeper into their lives, probably even interview both protagonists in order to help me understand what exactly they were thinking. I wanted them to explain themselves, with me acting as a jury. I wanted to decide who was wrong, right, or at fault. I wanted to meet their parents and have a conversation, especially with Obinze's mother. She seemed to me as the ideal simple (not too extravagant like other Nigerian women), beautiful woman: smart and understanding of youthful love. I felt like even I could tell her anything and I wanted her to give me advice and ask me to translate my name for her. I was shaken by each individual character and almost surprised at how Chimamanda was able to give delicate details of each of them, helping us readers better understand their personalities and attributes. In whole, the book is one I thoroughly enjoyed and as usual for me (with great books) I did not want the story to end. Once I arrived at the last chapter, and I knew it was the last chapter, I felt as sense of loss. One criticism though, as with many books written by great authors, I felt the story ended too abruptly and it felt a bit rushed. I simply wanted more of an explanation and not just the quick 'and this is how the story ends' that you get with most books, almost making you feel as though the author ran out of time or the book was becoming too dense and she had to cut out what to her felt irrelevant - but I SAY THIS TO ALL AUTHORS, NOTHING IS IRRELEVANT! I SIMPLY WANT TO KNOW MORE! Give me all the juicy details! Please. The ending itself upset me quite a bit; not that it was such a shocking ending or anything, but it just left me saying "wtf really?!", and I was confused. To end on a less threatening note, after and while reading the book, I felt myself inherently speaking little phrases of Ibo like "ogini" and "ndo", which I'm not even entirely sure what they mean - Chimamanda did this to me.

7.03pm on a Sunday

Sometimes you just wanna slap your mum. 

But in my country, it's a taboo. 

- the angry daughter mixtape coming soon...

21:47

I swear I am secretly in love with so many people - and I don't think this makes me a hoe or not or just a seriously confuse human being lol. Okay, I probably shouldn't have said love, more like I am in reminiscent of what me and a number of boys used to have. A number being I think 3. It's so weird to think just 2/3 years ago my life was so different, in relation to relationships haha - no pun intended. But now, I am in a cycle of stalking; which tbh doesn't say much about me.
I know it's pathetic to stalk old crushes and all that, but I don't even do it cause I want anything from these people, I just do it cause I can, so why not? - I know the answer to that, trust me.
I am not going to lie to myself or pretend, I want a boyfriend at this stage in my life, just because I am so set on building a strong, long relationship with the person I am going to get married to. I hate strangers basically and for me personally, it is very difficult to open up to people - it takes me ages before I am comfortable with a person,
I know the outside I seem tough and I pretend like I don't care. I cry at stupid things like movies and baby horses, to mask the actual painful stuff. I hate people knowing how much they mean to me, because it just gives them the opportunity to crush, brake and destroy... It's all a front, it has always been and I have only ever allowed very few people (probably one person or probably even none) see the real me - which I don't even know if is the real me or not. What even is real and do I even have the capability to confirm reality.

Post movie: The Sisterhood of Night

I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into. I had tried for many years to fit in. I had pursued friendship, love, affection and in doing so, destruction. As I began to lose weight, I began to lose myself. My identity was not yet known to me; and in those two years, I walked further away from it. I wonder who I would have become was I not to be who I am, was I not to have met certain people in my life. It is a constant battle I am constantly trying to win. But to be honest, I don’t even know what the prize is; and sometimes I simply just want to reach the end. I stopped staying up late listening to music and thinking, imaging, making up scenarios that would never happen. I started a blog – a vent machine; a place where I can share my thoughts, albeit secretly. I started to fucking use words like albeit. I grew up, I fucked up but I stood up. I really don’t know what exactly I stand for, but damn I know what I believe in. It’s a shame I find it hard to talk to actual people. I find speaking a bit too strenuous and to be honest, not very exciting. There really is no point engaging in conversations with people who have no fucking idea who you are, who they are and even what they are talking about. 

The sisterhood of night – a movie I believe every single girl should watch. Based on a short story written by an author I have never heard of, it spoken directly to my heart and as my eyes welled up as the story ended and the soundtrack played on, I thought of who my true friends are and if I felt comfortable sharing my secrets and thoughts with, well, basically everyone. This is one of the reasons I have refused to publicize this blog – trust fucking issues man. I’m not going to say what the movie was about but just that it was about something worth hearing about.

I spend so much time, more time before than now, wanting a boyfriend, no wanting to be loved, no wanting love; when to be very honest I have no idea what it is I want. I don’t have regrets about my past, but I surely don’t want to repeat some things. I’ve learnt a lot the past four years; some things I was definitely not yet ready to learn, but better sooner than later – if that’s even the saying. 

Fuck

I genuinely feel like I am about to kill someone right now. I fucking hate people omfg. wtf. I cant wait to leave this fucking shithole and this fake fuck faces. fuck I don't even like any of them. I am so over this place and the stupid people.
Its enough that I have to deal with them everyfuckingday but then having to deal with them while not even looking at them is so much worse. I hate hearing their conversations and their dumb complaints.
Like they all just need to fuck right off.
Ah. I am so done.

Poem- The Big Step

I grew up and I left myself behind

Now I just walk forward,

Sometimes backward

Not fully understanding who I am or who I should be.

I have now come face to face with a major life decision

The two roads lead to different opportunities, lifestyles;

And to two different variations of a future me.

I know I am strong,

That is not the problem.

My biggest concern is if I am strong enough to do the thing my mind tells me to.

The decision is not only mine.

I have my parents to consider.

Every step of my life has caused conflict between my parents, but it always turns out right:

I succeed and surpass expectations.

Should this not be the case now?

Should I not know now; because of past situations what I am supposed to do?

I would not have been presented this opportunity if it was not my destiny to take it.

Yes, I am beyond scared.

Yes, I have no idea what is in store for me.

But, the one thing I am sure of,

The only thing I am sure of is;

I will succeed.