7.03pm on a Sunday

Sometimes you just wanna slap your mum. 

But in my country, it's a taboo. 

- the angry daughter mixtape coming soon...

21:47

I swear I am secretly in love with so many people - and I don't think this makes me a hoe or not or just a seriously confuse human being lol. Okay, I probably shouldn't have said love, more like I am in reminiscent of what me and a number of boys used to have. A number being I think 3. It's so weird to think just 2/3 years ago my life was so different, in relation to relationships haha - no pun intended. But now, I am in a cycle of stalking; which tbh doesn't say much about me.
I know it's pathetic to stalk old crushes and all that, but I don't even do it cause I want anything from these people, I just do it cause I can, so why not? - I know the answer to that, trust me.
I am not going to lie to myself or pretend, I want a boyfriend at this stage in my life, just because I am so set on building a strong, long relationship with the person I am going to get married to. I hate strangers basically and for me personally, it is very difficult to open up to people - it takes me ages before I am comfortable with a person,
I know the outside I seem tough and I pretend like I don't care. I cry at stupid things like movies and baby horses, to mask the actual painful stuff. I hate people knowing how much they mean to me, because it just gives them the opportunity to crush, brake and destroy... It's all a front, it has always been and I have only ever allowed very few people (probably one person or probably even none) see the real me - which I don't even know if is the real me or not. What even is real and do I even have the capability to confirm reality.

Post movie: The Sisterhood of Night

I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into. I had tried for many years to fit in. I had pursued friendship, love, affection and in doing so, destruction. As I began to lose weight, I began to lose myself. My identity was not yet known to me; and in those two years, I walked further away from it. I wonder who I would have become was I not to be who I am, was I not to have met certain people in my life. It is a constant battle I am constantly trying to win. But to be honest, I don’t even know what the prize is; and sometimes I simply just want to reach the end. I stopped staying up late listening to music and thinking, imaging, making up scenarios that would never happen. I started a blog – a vent machine; a place where I can share my thoughts, albeit secretly. I started to fucking use words like albeit. I grew up, I fucked up but I stood up. I really don’t know what exactly I stand for, but damn I know what I believe in. It’s a shame I find it hard to talk to actual people. I find speaking a bit too strenuous and to be honest, not very exciting. There really is no point engaging in conversations with people who have no fucking idea who you are, who they are and even what they are talking about. 

The sisterhood of night – a movie I believe every single girl should watch. Based on a short story written by an author I have never heard of, it spoken directly to my heart and as my eyes welled up as the story ended and the soundtrack played on, I thought of who my true friends are and if I felt comfortable sharing my secrets and thoughts with, well, basically everyone. This is one of the reasons I have refused to publicize this blog – trust fucking issues man. I’m not going to say what the movie was about but just that it was about something worth hearing about.

I spend so much time, more time before than now, wanting a boyfriend, no wanting to be loved, no wanting love; when to be very honest I have no idea what it is I want. I don’t have regrets about my past, but I surely don’t want to repeat some things. I’ve learnt a lot the past four years; some things I was definitely not yet ready to learn, but better sooner than later – if that’s even the saying. 

Fuck

I genuinely feel like I am about to kill someone right now. I fucking hate people omfg. wtf. I cant wait to leave this fucking shithole and this fake fuck faces. fuck I don't even like any of them. I am so over this place and the stupid people.
Its enough that I have to deal with them everyfuckingday but then having to deal with them while not even looking at them is so much worse. I hate hearing their conversations and their dumb complaints.
Like they all just need to fuck right off.
Ah. I am so done.

Poem- The Big Step

I grew up and I left myself behind

Now I just walk forward,

Sometimes backward

Not fully understanding who I am or who I should be.

I have now come face to face with a major life decision

The two roads lead to different opportunities, lifestyles;

And to two different variations of a future me.

I know I am strong,

That is not the problem.

My biggest concern is if I am strong enough to do the thing my mind tells me to.

The decision is not only mine.

I have my parents to consider.

Every step of my life has caused conflict between my parents, but it always turns out right:

I succeed and surpass expectations.

Should this not be the case now?

Should I not know now; because of past situations what I am supposed to do?

I would not have been presented this opportunity if it was not my destiny to take it.

Yes, I am beyond scared.

Yes, I have no idea what is in store for me.

But, the one thing I am sure of,

The only thing I am sure of is;

I will succeed.

She.me?

I am currently in an extremely confused state.
I currently have some weird emotions towards someone who I really should not be. Literally, all forces are against this. This person is a member of staff at my school. I am 18 and the person is 21. 3 years difference. I find myself thinking about person X almost throughout the day and my mind wonders off into so many different scenarios. At first it started off as admiration; X was basically how I always wanted myself to be. X is determined and so cool. Now however, I am finding myself getting more and more attracted to X. I have the burning desire to hug/hold X and just hold on to them. I know it is completely wrong and I really shouldn't be thinking this, but I am getting the same vibes from X. I feel like the same thing holding me back is what holds X back. the teacher-student relationship, the age, the sex.
I really want to be best friends with X. I want to have long night chats, cuddles, deep conversations with this person. I want to watch movies at night. I want to kiss them for long periods of time, I want to be able to hold X's hand and have them whisper in my ear; reassuring me of their emotions.
I swear I think about this person more than I think about myself.  X is one of those people you just have to love. X is amazing. I am actually so happy to have met X. Literally, just seeing X makes me so happy. I have been quite happy lately, and my heart skips a beat when I see X. But due to circumstance, I have also been quite sad. I cannot express myself how I would normally do. I cannot friend them on social media, I cannot touch them and it kills me deeply. I just want to be able to be with them simply, without it being a big deal.
I'm also trying to figure out who I am. Am I this person now? the girl who falls for the teacher.
Different people have told me that X has spoken about me to them. Just as I have made excuses to bring X up, I guess X is doing the same. Being subtle but also trying. Its an extremely complicated situation and I hate it.This is ridiculous. I spend hours stalking X as much as I can with the limited access I have. X is so beautiful. X deserves a wonderful lovely experience. I'm just not sure if this is a phase or if this is real. What I am sure of however, is that this is really hard. Just thinking about X makes me shiver and I get butterflies and goosebumps. Its exciting!