In Wake Of Things

In all things give thanks for this is the will of God in Jesus Christ concerning you - 1 Thessalonians 5:18.

You read the bible and verses like this and try your best to see the good in every situation and every person. You try your best to be optimistic, not to judge others and to love everyone. But, how can you love all and be optimistic when you feel like this, now; the world today is literally going towards the end times.

It has become difficult for a person like me - who usually, always tries to see the good side of every situation, knowing that there is a lesson to be learnt - to come to terms with the problems of the world today. I usually did not care so much about what the government does, or more specifically is not doing or is doing wrong. I never paid attention to the news because I was fed up with only hearing of the bad - everyday a bombing, shooting, natural disaster or some sort of ghastly attack. I began to ignore these things, and in this time, I now realise, I became self obsessed. I know now that this was completely wrong of me. But I simply did not think much of it. Anyways, this is not about me, but as I grew older I realised that there is more to the world than the trivial things I allowed to consume my life - I started to pay attention again.

Yes, it can lead to a heavy weight on your shoulders but that is nothing compared to the pain, terror, confusion and strife those who are personally affected are feeling. We read the news, follow hashtags on social media, try to 'stay woke', but we can never ever fully understand. I hope we never have to fully understand. We can only sympathise with those affected, and those who we know will be affected.

Today the UK government voted in favour of air strikes over Syria. They have literally put the lives of innocent civilians in danger because of the Islamic State, who as these people seem to forget/ignore do not represent the entirety of the country of Islam as a religion.

Why do western governments seem to always think they have all the right to invade another man's country in the name of protecting their own. In what way does that make any sense. They value the lives of the people of the countries they attack much less than the lives of the people of their own country; and it is so fucking ridiculous. They think they are better and superior. No. United Kingdom, who gave you the audacity to go into another man's land and barbarically murder its people. You are disgusting, vile and horrendous. Have you not done enough?! Are you not tired of invading?! You are thieves, murderers and pride yourselves in double standards. Only a few months ago, you sympathised and cried with the family of the little Syrian boy who washed up dead on a Turkish beach, but now you decide to barge into his country and murder his people, claiming the protection of your own country. WHY DO THEIR LIVES MATTER LESS CAMERON, WHY?!

It is extremely disgusting that in this day and age, some believe this is the right way to solve this problem: to order air strikes over a country which is already suffering from the perils of war. The UK government has (not blindly) added to this problem. It makes absolutely no sense that these people believe they have the power, no, the right and the audacity, to claim the lives of innocent civilians on the basis of protection. If this is believed to be the right thing to do, then there is absolutely no way our world would ever function and we will all continue to live in pain, suffering, fear and torture.

When you seem to always do something wrong.

It's actually starting to get annoying now. How do I always seem to piss people off, even the tiniest bit, and always when I least expect it or think I'm just joking around. I am immature, and I need to grow up. At first I thought it was okay to not take myself too seriously a greater percentage of the time but now I realise, that train of thought is self damaging. My outlook on things becomes strayed and I take almost everything as a joke. I mean I know I should not but I just can't help myself sometimes.

It is easy to tell ourself what is right, the difficult thing is actually doing what is right and keeping it up. I start off well, excellently even - I'm very good at pretending to be a spectacular human being; but then, obviously you cannot put up an act forever. I used to think "fake it until you make it", but i ave come to realise you cannot fake it, you have to actually try to become it. You get me?

With my family and friends, I like to think I am the sunlight on a rainy day. I like making people laugh, even if it comes to me embarrassing myself, I would do anything to make the people I care about feel comfortable, laugh and be happy. That has just always been who I am. Now, however, it is obvious that this shouldn't always be the case. I have allowed my happiness be dependent on the people around me, in a sense that I want them to be happy so that I can be happy. You get me? But this is so wrong, this is actually a twisted way of thinking and behaving. In trying to help everyone else, I have not allowed anyone help me. To be very honest I do not think I need help - this is the problem - I want to do everything on my own, by myself and in my own terms. It is actually frustrating to deal with. I can't always handle myself all by myself. You get me?

I'm working on it though.

Originally Posted - March 31st 2016

Lost Within Myself

If all else fails, write.

I have been laying on my bed, in my university accommodation building for two hours now trying to fall asleep.

I'm nocturnal; so me trying to go to sleep by 9pm was actually a joke - I played myself.

In these two hours, I have been listening to Enya. Enya's voice is the literal description of my soul. I can feel the pain in her voice, although I cannot voice my own pain. I can - am able to, write it though, and even that; with every blog post typed in darkness, is painful. This is difficult to write because it requires me to look deep within myself and confront the many things I have been trying to avoid for the past two months.

As cliche as it sounds, I have Completey lost myself at university. I thought this could never happen to me but i HAVE BEEN BLINDSIDED.

I have been hit by a fast moving train which has set me back. Shattered me into a million pieces across the floor. I have been looking for pieces, I am STILL looking for pieces, but the unfortunate thing is I have no idea where to look.

I knew I was derailing, I KNOW I AM STILL DERAILING. BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP MYSELF.

honestly... I don't even know if I want to stop. This life is fast-paced. There is always something happening. I have ignored myself for so long. I have refused to face myself. I know this because I have declined in facing God.

I have derailed.

I have seriously derailed.

I am lost. I am so so lost. And there is nothing I can do. There is literally no one I feel comfortable talking to about it. All the people I know are on the extreme. I ave two best friends - but I feel I can't even describe what is happening to me to myself let alone to them. They are understanding and I know they wouldn't judge; but I just don't want to seem weak and lost to them.

I am supposed to be strong. I have always been strong.

No one knows the tears i CRY. No one knows the pain I feel. No one knows the burden I carry. But I guess I need to stop feeling like I am the only one going through things.

The crazy thing is; I feel more emotional towards things not experienced by me. I would rather feel pity towards others and help/uplift others - and I have just now realised in doing that, I have allowed myself to lose myself, after all the effort I have put over the years to find myself (initially), and hold on to her.

I think I may deal with things a little differently than most people. I cry in silence. I cry in the dark. I let it all out and then I toughen up again.

In doing this, have I managed to shut so many people out? Have I managed to seclude myself. I have managed to grow into myself, with high walls barricading me from the outside.

I will not allow anything cause me pain on purpose - thus I don't really see how i CAN BE IN A RELATIONSHIP. I am an overly paranoid, territorial, jealous, psychopath. Is this who I am, or do I need to change.

This is part of the problem.

I was fine by myself at the beginning of university right. I was fine.

Yes, I always went on about how I wanted a boy friend or a close relationship with someone special - but being in this and actually starting to have growing feelings for someone is actually so messed up and unnatural. I really don't like it. But, I can't control it.

I used to be so good at controlling it. But now I just want to take care of him every second.

I am so lost it's crazy.

Writing helps me put everything into perspective. Helps me make sense of some things. Helps me understand myself better.

I have not solved my problem today - and to be honest, this is so jumbled up; but now I can fall asleep. I have taken down the weights from my shoulders.

For tonight.

-  I'm still searching for her though. I am in here somewhere. I just need o cleanse my heart and mind; and figure out what I actually want, what I'm actually doing and what I need to get to where I need to be.

Originally Posted - January 18th 2016

In Wake Of Things

In all things give thanks for this is the will of God in Jesus Christ concerning you - 1 Thessalonians 5:18.

You read the bible and verses like this and try your best to see the good in every situation and every person. You try your best to be optimistic, not to judge others and to love everyone. But, how can you love all and be optimistic when you feel like this, now; the world today is literally going towards the end times.

It has become difficult for a person like me - who usually, always tries to see the good side of every situation, knowing that there is a lesson to be learnt - to come to terms with the problems of the world today. I usually did not care so much about what the government does, or more specifically is not doing or is doing wrong. I never paid attention to the news because I was fed up with only hearing of the bad - everyday a bombing, shooting, natural disaster or some sort of ghastly attack. I began to ignore these things, and in this time, I now realise, I became self obsessed. I know now that this was completely wrong of me. But I simply did not think much of it. Anyways, this is not about me, but as I grew older I realised that there is more to the world than the trivial things I allowed to consume my life - I started to pay attention again.

Yes, it can lead to a heavy weight on your shoulders but that is nothing compared to the pain, terror, confusion and strife those who are personally affected are feeling. We read the news, follow hashtags on social media, try to 'stay woke', but we can never ever fully understand. I hope we never have to fully understand. We can only sympathise with those affected, and those who we know will be affected.

Today the UK government voted in favour of air strikes over Syria. They have literally put the lives of innocent civilians in danger because of the Islamic State, who as these people seem to forget/ignore do not represent the entirety of the country of Islam as a religion.

Why do western governments seem to always think they have all the right to invade another man's country in the name of protecting their own. In what way does that make any sense. They value the lives of the people of the countries they attack much less than the lives of the people of their own country; and it is so fucking ridiculous. They think they are better and superior. No. United Kingdom, who gave you the audacity to go into another man's land and barbarically murder its people. You are disgusting, vile and horrendous. Have you not done enough?! Are you not tired of invading?! You are thieves, murderers and pride yourselves in double standards. Only a few months ago, you sympathised and cried with the family of the little Syrian boy who washed up dead on a Turkish beach, but now you decide to barge into his country and murder his people, claiming the protection of your own country. WHY DO THEIR LIVES MATTER LESS CAMERON, WHY?!

It is extremely disgusting that in this day and age, some believe this is the right way to solve this problem: to order air strikes over a country which is already suffering from the perils of war. The UK government has (not blindly) added to this problem. It makes absolutely no sense that these people believe they have the power, no, the right and the audacity, to claim the lives of innocent civilians on the basis of protection. If this is believed to be the right thing to do, then there is absolutely no way our world would ever function and we will all continue to live in pain, suffering, fear and torture.

Originally Posted - December 3rd 2015

Where are you/am I actually going?

Yes. I know I am at university, and I am studying towards getting my degree, and I'm working hard (I hope) and I am trying to do all I can, so I can do all I can. Do you understand?

It is really not that hard to get lost here. You have full responsibility over yourself and you are expected not to mess it up - well, my parents are hundred percent sure I would not mess it up. The real question is, am I sure.

I guess I'm at about forty percent - both ways. The other twenty percent is me begging the google maps in my brain not to lose the internet connection so I can stay on track.

It has been a month, or just over and I would not lie; I am still struggling. Not academically. Not socially (not really). It's just that my pace is slow. I know I am walking at a slow pace because I can literally feel my feet dragging as I struggle to walk up the mighty hills of Bristol every morning. I stop to catch my breath three or four times, whilst trying to hide the feeling of my heart wanting to fall out of my chest. I struggle.

I expected university to be the place where I found her; but, she is completely lost.

My phone battery is dead and I am unable to communicate effectively with the girl upstairs - unless I scream and shout. I am tired of screaming and shouting. Why would she not just listen to what I am trying to say? Am I not speaking clearly enough. I know she would rather I say it through an electronic device, but here I am, facing her, looking right at her. I feel she doesn't like to look back at me. Put down your phone, girl!

I vaguely remember the way. I have a picture in my head that I am trying to follow, but there are just so many detours and stop signs, that I am finding it difficult to grasp the difference between left and right. And to add to this, there is this one road I am not sure if to cross or not. I just keep looking left, right and left again, hoping I don't get run over.

I always stop at the library to borrow another map, as I seem to have lost mine, but I cannot seem to find the section with the correct initials: L. A. I have even once tried borrowing someone else's map - but the she was not on my route, her directions were unclear and, I never really saw myself as a follower.

There is a reason why going downhill is quicker than going up: it is easier. You are allowing yourself to tumble, knowing that once you get to the bottom you can rest. Although, have you realised you are right back where you started.

The peak is scary, and blinding. You look up and the harsh rays of the sun makes everything unclear - you get puzzled, confused and my favourite: lost. You may even fall! The only thing you can be sure of, is that you are not sure what the top looks like, but you really want to go there.

If you are like me, your breathing will be a problem. Try not to complain because your impatience will steal your breath and you would have to force yourself to just stop! Please stop, and think about what it is you are doing. Where are you now? Are you in the right place? Are you going through the correct pitstops? Have you even found the pitstops and checkpoints? Please check yourself, even when you cannot find a suitable checkpoint. Check yourself.

I am getting used to the hills. Thus, I refuse to take the bus as I quite enjoy the feeling of accomplishment when I get to the top every morning and I know I did just a bit better than yesterday. In fact, it proves to me that I am not as lazy as my step-counter tells me. Each day, I stop to catch my breath less and I try to work out the directions. Be careful not to ask strangers for your directions - not everyone knows; some pretend to know and some don't just care.

It may be a struggle once in a while, especially when you (I) come across a new, unexpected hill. You may not be in the mood to climb it; you may not even be in the mood to look at it. Remind yourself (myself) you have had practice at climbing - every day practice with hills of different sizes, so, you can do this.

As much as it is about the journey, and although you cannot see the ending clearly or even know what it is meant to look like; I think one of the most important things is remembering you have directions and guidance you can follow. Keep reading your manual - your questions will be answered.

You are not alone though. I am not alone. I just need to remember that. Remember to pray, remember to read His words, remember to speak His words, remember to share His love, and most importantly remember to LIVE His words.

I am still hoping that as my destination gets clearer and the fog is swept away from my eyes, I will choose the right steps.

So, where are you going then? Because I vaguely think I know where I am supposed to be going.

Originally posted - October 28th 2015

Everyone needs a breakdown.

Sometimes, I think I can do it all. I want to do it all. I need to do it all. Asking for help does not come naturally to me, nor is it  a skill I have mastered; but I am slowly realising it is worth practicing (I'm getting better). I have been at university now for three weeks or thereabout and at first I was fine; I'm always fine: I try my best not to complain, I sit and do my work when I can, I make people laugh, I try to remain emotionless and normal. It is hard, no doubt. The stress hits you like a high speed train as you try to cross the tracks just minding your own business. There is a lot to do and there are so many things going on.

I make lists, sometimes I write lists or just copy a list again and again throughout a day just to make sure i have done, and I do, every single thing I need to. I micromanage. It's an extremely efficient way to plan your days and ensure the smooth running of your life. If I didn't micromanage myself, I would be more lost than I already am.

I need a friend I can trust and confide in. I need someone who will understand me. I need friends like my old friends. I want my old friends. This is the thing: you can micromanage your life as much as possible; I made myself believe everything was going well when deep down I know it isn't. School and work wise I am fine; but emotionally, I know I am very messed up. I stay searching for something - and honestly I don't particularly know what it is. I am hungry for something. Starving.

They say everything happens for a reason.

I broke down today for a reason. I let it all out today for a reason.

I can write as many lists as I want. I can plan my life as specifically as I desire. I can try my best (85%) to control my emotions and stay calm and collected.

But the truth it, with everything going on, with where I am,

with the life we live

Everybody needs a breakdown.

At least once in a while.

It is like a reset button. You crash. You reboot. You reemerge.

It's a cycle.

Previously posted on other blog - October 7th 2015