Random thoughts.

I feel nothing at the moment. The only thing on my mind is finish my 5000 word extended project; of which I have written 600 and something words. Nice right. This week has gone by so fast. I finished reading Along For The Ride by Sarah Dessen, and upon doing so I was thinking of adding a book review blog to the three blogs I already have, and find hard-ish to maintain. I guess it just gives me something to do to fill my time. I don't know why I stopped blogging when I was in year 10 and deleted all my old posts, oh yes actually I remember, the boy I had some feelings for, and wrote stuff about found my blog. Ultimate cringe I know right. I found I really enjoy blogging. It feels like it just comes so naturally to me: the whole process of putting down your thoughts, unfiltered, exposed but not exposed; well that is depending on who reads the blog posts. Which brings me to this, I do not know if I want anyone to read my blog; frankly I don't know if anyone would really care to read my not-so-whiny blog. it should be fun to see how this pans out.
Another thing I have realised, is that my own company is my best company. There's no pressure to try to hard to be anything else but myself, to try to fit in of some sort. I can just be at peace with a novel in hand, some music, my own thoughts and lastly the atmosphere of nothingness filled with something special- myself. It is difficult to think that people can just go on and on without taking out a brief moment to stop and appreciate the things around them. To just reflect. To breathe. No matter how short or insanely long this brief moment is; I just think it is needed. I don't think I would advertise this blog. It should be my little space, and for whomever I choose to share it with. :)

Wow.

I am probably the queen of mistakes. But what can I do? Continually push forward, look up and continue to learn. 

I should probably be locked up I a room somewhere because this is getting too ridiculous! Wow. 

This is why I don't like lmtalking to people or even leaving my room. I just have the feeling like I would say or do something either unnecessary or just wrong. 

I bet I'm not alone in this. There would obviously be other people who feel the same way. So I'm not going to go on about how no one understands me, cause I bet a million other people do.

I'm just fed up with the crap that some people tell me. 

Like can you just be real. 

This is why I detest the internet. Like it gives too much information that sometimes I don't want to find. 

Why do people lie. Or omit things or whatever you want to call it. Man. This is just hilarious. 

I'm not going to say what happened or what I found our. It's imply not worth it. And quite frankly, i am already over it. It was just an unnecessary shock. 

Don't stalk people is the lesson of the night. You don't want to know everything. You think you do, but you probably don't. 

Getting Over Myself.

I've been thinking my problem is that I need to get over people. But, yes, it has just dawned on me, yes, just right now, that I really need to get over myself. I need to figure myself out, or something along those lines.

I detest showing my emotions, which leaves me falling into the trap of over-thinking things. Par exemple, de temps en temps, je veux suivre mes emotions mais, je prefere me cacher. Its difficult sometimes, but I just don't see why I should inflict my problems on others. I have to be bold enough, not strong enough, but yes, bold enough, to figure things out for myself.
I used to think, I was indestructible. That no one could do better than me. I was the best thing on the planet in my view. And this allowed me to make a bunch of bad decisions concerning my life. This thought, although, was quickly brought down last summer,when firstly I didn't get the award I really wanted on Prize-giving day. I was quickly reminded that there would always be people who are one or a million steps ahead of you. One, individually, has to find the means to push forward and do things better than the last.

I appreciate the events of last summer, right from the beginning to the end. I would change nothing. It was a learning experience which brought me closer to myself, my family and most especially to God. I was reminded that The Almighty God puts you in certain situations just to remind you how much you need him, especially if you were like me, and was almost lost midst the wrongs of the world. I would continue
to talk about last summer, for one reason, which may be the most important reason for anything I have done in my life: it changed me, not in a cliche instant wow self discovery way, but in  way that it began the process. I was able to start to realize who I was and who I wanted to be. I struggled a bit to stay on track and keep from depression, but it was okay.

Depression is a funny thing, its so easy to want to be depressed. Plug into the saddest of songs at 3am in the morning and think you are the absolute worst thing on the planet. Wanting to vanish, or hide or whatever. But in that moment, or few minutes, hours, days when you allow yourself to feel all the various possible ranges of sadness, you fail to realize there are much more important, scary things happening in the world. sometimes you realize this, but still choose to push them away and you want to be completely selfish in your sadness. You do not want to be sad for someone else, or some country in war or some plane crash somewhere, you want to be sad because you are sad. I say you, only because I'm not sure I feel comfortable using the word I, and hence completely exposing myself to the internet without a shield of some sort.

I am glad i am where I am today. I am in the process. In the process of life, in the process of living. The world is massive, the possibilities are endless. I will continue to try to find the good in thing and grow, not in height (I'm too tall as is), but to grow in the spirit, in wisdom and in sight, so I may have the best perspective on life.

Frankly, life is worth living. If it wasn't, we wouldn't be here in the first place. And even if you think you are here by accident. You are not an accident.

I like to be encouraging, but its sometimes difficult to encourage myself, go by my own advice. I prefer not to disrupt people's lives for the sake of my troubles. But i cannot help but feel the emotions of friends, family even complete strangers. I guess that is the reason I cry during almost every single movie I watch.
I want to be able to feel a much as I can. I want to be able to just experience a variety of everything. During, before and after the experiences. It might not make much sense, but you have to be able to express yourself in someway, so you know its possible to be anything.

Some Infinities are Greater than other infinities.

Life is supposed to be a continuous process. Right? Right. I've been seventeen for some time now; and it still seems like I'm stuck somewhere. Every year on my birthday, I tell myself "This year Laolu, is going to be different"; WHERE IS THE DIFFERENCE?! Its seems I go in a continuous circle, round and round and round, until I get so tired I decide to just fully leave things as they are, and then it seems like I'm stuck again. I don't know what I'm stuck on. Its more personal than relationships, more personal than my love for love, more personal than even my love for motion, which seems to put me in a ranging variety of places. I am not saying I'm completely clueless on my current situation; No, I just think there is more to life than I allow myself to find.

It seems this one boy has entirely engulfed my thinking, but it also seems he only comes back to my mind after a break up with someone else or when I feel like there is no one else. This is not me whining about how I have no boyfriend or whatever. It is simply me, saying, wondering what this boy's significance is to me. I mean no doubt, when we talk, its good: we talk for days, about anything and everything; this probably sounds like such a cliche but its true. I allow myself to tell him stuff, and even now when something happens I still want to tell him, just for his reaction; lol, and the hilarious convo that might come out of it.
I am not stuck on this boy, nope, I simply enjoy this boy. Yes that is the word, enjoy. 3 years now of on and off. Broke up with him twice, and now I feel nothing is as good as the third try, however, I don't even know if I want him or if its just the urge for someone to talk to passionately (and I don't even know if I have that). \
I am a strong willed person, but I just cannot be in competition with other girls for a boy. I would rather give up on such a fight than reduce myself to that- one learns this the hard way lol.
My life is continuous. My imagination is a roller-coaster of everything and my actions, once made are probably deeper than I expected them to be. As, I really do not expect people to be so affected by the things I do, or don't do. This as all other things in life, one learns the hard way.
I have my own little infinity of life-living to learn these. And I am glad I am aware of myself and most especially, others who are affected by myself. Its a whirlwind of a life, these teenage years.

The End is Usually The Beginning

This day, as with many other supposedly significantly normal days in my life, marks the infinite end to something that never really started just over a year ago.
The summer of 2013, was without doubt the worst summer of my life; but also he best. From a fairy-tale prom night to a heart-wrenching and disastrous prom a
fter party amid the drunken fun everyone else seemed to have been having. I was completely and utterly almost entirely obsessed with someone I hardly even knew well enough. I was almost driven mad with the desire for what i will call companionship, of a sort. I wanted so dearly to fit in with his lifestyle and group of friends with which ironically my best friend belonged to. in this process however, i allowed myself to become lost. I almost forgot whom I was and all what I stood for. Basically, I was weak at the knees with what i knew was not love, but wanted to be. It all seemed so perfect then, even going on to think I deserved every single thing I got back at the end. I mean, I probably did; with the way i seemed to treat boys, especially the ones who actually seemed to somewhat care for me (though i never believed anyone of them actually did, which was probably the reason for the way i always acted in these supposed relationships)
I specifically knew, that I definitely did not know what I wanted. That was one thing I was sure of. And amid my indecisiveness, I sort of dragged down those who were involved with me. A shame it was, yes; but wow- the lessons learnt from those experiences.
I wouldn't say i regret last summer. I would simply say, I am glad it all happened at the time it did, even with the people it did. I still care for that one person i never thought would be really affected by my actions, but in a slightly different way from last year, as I am aware now, things ca never be the same, and I'm okay with that. I simply cannot allow myself to care any longer.
So I guess that's it then. I can't continue to drone on about this lost cause. Its simply no longer interestly to think about the same thing/person over and over again.
C'est la vie et Au revoir mon chere.