Waiting on Painting

Basically,
I have been waiting for my nails to dry;
For a few minutes now I have sat,
I have sat thinking,
In painting my nails I have been forced to think.
Aren't girls lucky.
In trying to make my hands more beautiful,
I have been given the opportunity to sit solemnly.
This, I usually always do;
But now, I have to sit for a long period,
Unable to do anything else,
I like it.


I have just applied my top coat,
A layer of clear nail varnish created to protect the masterpiece underneath.
I have applied this successfully,
I have done my job.
Now, I live the next few days in hope that it does its job.

Top coat is that unseen layer of
hope, faith and love
that is required in living life as a
Christian.

You cannot see it,
You cannot feel it,
physically;
But,
You know it's there.

Tired.

I am extremely tired, sad and a bit lost (but finding my way), and I feel like I am gasping for air inside a vacuum.
I feel like a vacuum. An empty space of nothingness. I feel alone; completely and utterly in the sense - alone.
I am tired of feeling alone.
I am tired of being alone.
I am tired of faking who I am.
I am tired of pretending.
I am tired of trying to be so many different things.
I am tired of not being able to see clearly where I should be going.
I am tired of being stressed about the little things and the big things.
I am tired of feeling everyones pain when i don't even know my own.
I am tired of my work, my life and my discomfort in my body.
I am tired of feeling ugly, less beautiful, not worth it.
I am tired.

I went to church today after about 3 weeks of not attending, and I just feel a few things have been re-highlighted. You know when you re-realise that your lost again and you're just frustrated as to why this keeps happening to you. You ask yourself what it is you are doing wrong and what direction you keep missing or what it is you aren't seeing. It's extremely frustrating I know. I am extremely frustrated.
But, I guess this is life. You have to keep finding your feel. Take  deep breath, dive and remember that once in a while you have to come back up for air.
Resurface, take a step back, analyse, correct, fix, stretch; and dive back in.

Where is Happiness?

I need to be nicer. Not because it is the key to success or anything, but because it is the key to probably my own happiness. You see, being nice does not just affect the live of those you are being nice to, but it radiates the fact that you are an angel: you skin glows, your eyes glisten and you feel lighter. You see, being nice is like a weight being lifted off your shoulder. Imagine this: you are having the worst possible Monday morning, you do not want to go to work or school and you especially do not want to deal with other human beings, because well, it's Monday. So you go around the entire day with a slouched face and back and an angry look on your face; everyone around you tries their best to ignore you for the whole day, thus you are trapped in your own little bubble of frustration for the entirety of the day (and possibly week). That doesn't sound very appealing now, does it?
It would however be much better if you as a person, wakes up every morning, no matter what you may be going through or the deep stricken pain you are going through in your heart or physically, thanking God that you are alive and that you appreciate it, you decide, every morning that you will try your very best (and hardest) to be happy and to showcase the sunlight that radiates from within your heart.
This is still a battle for me, as I oh so easily get irritated, offended and annoyed - I hide most of this anger and annoyance with laughter and silly jokes whilst pretending to be happy. But, honestly, there is no point pretending. It may be hard at first to feel genuine happiness for the longer you appreciate life and learn to appreciate many more things and people, the easier it becomes.
The road to becoming a solar panel for happiness is most times tough, but I tr to remind myself, I am a medium for which some people may first be introduced to God, therefore I should not waste such a gift, job and opportunity showcasing my moody side, but I should ensure my happiness is always center stage, in order to bring happiness unto the audience, crew members and critics of the show.

Post Novel: Americanah

First things first, this was an amazing book. I feel like amazing is not a good enough literary word to describe how this book made me feel. Chimamanda transported me all over the world. She gave, what felt to me like first hand knowledge. She made me fully believe the experiences of these characters. The love story of Efemelu and Obinze jarred my heart open: it made me believe in love and it made me hate love. I wanted to dig deeper into their lives, probably even interview both protagonists in order to help me understand what exactly they were thinking. I wanted them to explain themselves, with me acting as a jury. I wanted to decide who was wrong, right, or at fault. I wanted to meet their parents and have a conversation, especially with Obinze's mother. She seemed to me as the ideal simple (not too extravagant like other Nigerian women), beautiful woman: smart and understanding of youthful love. I felt like even I could tell her anything and I wanted her to give me advice and ask me to translate my name for her. I was shaken by each individual character and almost surprised at how Chimamanda was able to give delicate details of each of them, helping us readers better understand their personalities and attributes. In whole, the book is one I thoroughly enjoyed and as usual for me (with great books) I did not want the story to end. Once I arrived at the last chapter, and I knew it was the last chapter, I felt as sense of loss. One criticism though, as with many books written by great authors, I felt the story ended too abruptly and it felt a bit rushed. I simply wanted more of an explanation and not just the quick 'and this is how the story ends' that you get with most books, almost making you feel as though the author ran out of time or the book was becoming too dense and she had to cut out what to her felt irrelevant - but I SAY THIS TO ALL AUTHORS, NOTHING IS IRRELEVANT! I SIMPLY WANT TO KNOW MORE! Give me all the juicy details! Please. The ending itself upset me quite a bit; not that it was such a shocking ending or anything, but it just left me saying "wtf really?!", and I was confused. To end on a less threatening note, after and while reading the book, I felt myself inherently speaking little phrases of Ibo like "ogini" and "ndo", which I'm not even entirely sure what they mean - Chimamanda did this to me.

7.03pm on a Sunday

Sometimes you just wanna slap your mum. 

But in my country, it's a taboo. 

- the angry daughter mixtape coming soon...

21:47

I swear I am secretly in love with so many people - and I don't think this makes me a hoe or not or just a seriously confuse human being lol. Okay, I probably shouldn't have said love, more like I am in reminiscent of what me and a number of boys used to have. A number being I think 3. It's so weird to think just 2/3 years ago my life was so different, in relation to relationships haha - no pun intended. But now, I am in a cycle of stalking; which tbh doesn't say much about me.
I know it's pathetic to stalk old crushes and all that, but I don't even do it cause I want anything from these people, I just do it cause I can, so why not? - I know the answer to that, trust me.
I am not going to lie to myself or pretend, I want a boyfriend at this stage in my life, just because I am so set on building a strong, long relationship with the person I am going to get married to. I hate strangers basically and for me personally, it is very difficult to open up to people - it takes me ages before I am comfortable with a person,
I know the outside I seem tough and I pretend like I don't care. I cry at stupid things like movies and baby horses, to mask the actual painful stuff. I hate people knowing how much they mean to me, because it just gives them the opportunity to crush, brake and destroy... It's all a front, it has always been and I have only ever allowed very few people (probably one person or probably even none) see the real me - which I don't even know if is the real me or not. What even is real and do I even have the capability to confirm reality.

Post movie: The Sisterhood of Night

I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into. I had tried for many years to fit in. I had pursued friendship, love, affection and in doing so, destruction. As I began to lose weight, I began to lose myself. My identity was not yet known to me; and in those two years, I walked further away from it. I wonder who I would have become was I not to be who I am, was I not to have met certain people in my life. It is a constant battle I am constantly trying to win. But to be honest, I don’t even know what the prize is; and sometimes I simply just want to reach the end. I stopped staying up late listening to music and thinking, imaging, making up scenarios that would never happen. I started a blog – a vent machine; a place where I can share my thoughts, albeit secretly. I started to fucking use words like albeit. I grew up, I fucked up but I stood up. I really don’t know what exactly I stand for, but damn I know what I believe in. It’s a shame I find it hard to talk to actual people. I find speaking a bit too strenuous and to be honest, not very exciting. There really is no point engaging in conversations with people who have no fucking idea who you are, who they are and even what they are talking about. 

The sisterhood of night – a movie I believe every single girl should watch. Based on a short story written by an author I have never heard of, it spoken directly to my heart and as my eyes welled up as the story ended and the soundtrack played on, I thought of who my true friends are and if I felt comfortable sharing my secrets and thoughts with, well, basically everyone. This is one of the reasons I have refused to publicize this blog – trust fucking issues man. I’m not going to say what the movie was about but just that it was about something worth hearing about.

I spend so much time, more time before than now, wanting a boyfriend, no wanting to be loved, no wanting love; when to be very honest I have no idea what it is I want. I don’t have regrets about my past, but I surely don’t want to repeat some things. I’ve learnt a lot the past four years; some things I was definitely not yet ready to learn, but better sooner than later – if that’s even the saying. 

Fuck

I genuinely feel like I am about to kill someone right now. I fucking hate people omfg. wtf. I cant wait to leave this fucking shithole and this fake fuck faces. fuck I don't even like any of them. I am so over this place and the stupid people.
Its enough that I have to deal with them everyfuckingday but then having to deal with them while not even looking at them is so much worse. I hate hearing their conversations and their dumb complaints.
Like they all just need to fuck right off.
Ah. I am so done.

Poem- The Big Step

I grew up and I left myself behind

Now I just walk forward,

Sometimes backward

Not fully understanding who I am or who I should be.

I have now come face to face with a major life decision

The two roads lead to different opportunities, lifestyles;

And to two different variations of a future me.

I know I am strong,

That is not the problem.

My biggest concern is if I am strong enough to do the thing my mind tells me to.

The decision is not only mine.

I have my parents to consider.

Every step of my life has caused conflict between my parents, but it always turns out right:

I succeed and surpass expectations.

Should this not be the case now?

Should I not know now; because of past situations what I am supposed to do?

I would not have been presented this opportunity if it was not my destiny to take it.

Yes, I am beyond scared.

Yes, I have no idea what is in store for me.

But, the one thing I am sure of,

The only thing I am sure of is;

I will succeed.

She.me?

I am currently in an extremely confused state.
I currently have some weird emotions towards someone who I really should not be. Literally, all forces are against this. This person is a member of staff at my school. I am 18 and the person is 21. 3 years difference. I find myself thinking about person X almost throughout the day and my mind wonders off into so many different scenarios. At first it started off as admiration; X was basically how I always wanted myself to be. X is determined and so cool. Now however, I am finding myself getting more and more attracted to X. I have the burning desire to hug/hold X and just hold on to them. I know it is completely wrong and I really shouldn't be thinking this, but I am getting the same vibes from X. I feel like the same thing holding me back is what holds X back. the teacher-student relationship, the age, the sex.
I really want to be best friends with X. I want to have long night chats, cuddles, deep conversations with this person. I want to watch movies at night. I want to kiss them for long periods of time, I want to be able to hold X's hand and have them whisper in my ear; reassuring me of their emotions.
I swear I think about this person more than I think about myself.  X is one of those people you just have to love. X is amazing. I am actually so happy to have met X. Literally, just seeing X makes me so happy. I have been quite happy lately, and my heart skips a beat when I see X. But due to circumstance, I have also been quite sad. I cannot express myself how I would normally do. I cannot friend them on social media, I cannot touch them and it kills me deeply. I just want to be able to be with them simply, without it being a big deal.
I'm also trying to figure out who I am. Am I this person now? the girl who falls for the teacher.
Different people have told me that X has spoken about me to them. Just as I have made excuses to bring X up, I guess X is doing the same. Being subtle but also trying. Its an extremely complicated situation and I hate it.This is ridiculous. I spend hours stalking X as much as I can with the limited access I have. X is so beautiful. X deserves a wonderful lovely experience. I'm just not sure if this is a phase or if this is real. What I am sure of however, is that this is really hard. Just thinking about X makes me shiver and I get butterflies and goosebumps. Its exciting!