21:47

I swear I am secretly in love with so many people - and I don't think this makes me a hoe or not or just a seriously confuse human being lol. Okay, I probably shouldn't have said love, more like I am in reminiscent of what me and a number of boys used to have. A number being I think 3. It's so weird to think just 2/3 years ago my life was so different, in relation to relationships haha - no pun intended. But now, I am in a cycle of stalking; which tbh doesn't say much about me.
I know it's pathetic to stalk old crushes and all that, but I don't even do it cause I want anything from these people, I just do it cause I can, so why not? - I know the answer to that, trust me.
I am not going to lie to myself or pretend, I want a boyfriend at this stage in my life, just because I am so set on building a strong, long relationship with the person I am going to get married to. I hate strangers basically and for me personally, it is very difficult to open up to people - it takes me ages before I am comfortable with a person,
I know the outside I seem tough and I pretend like I don't care. I cry at stupid things like movies and baby horses, to mask the actual painful stuff. I hate people knowing how much they mean to me, because it just gives them the opportunity to crush, brake and destroy... It's all a front, it has always been and I have only ever allowed very few people (probably one person or probably even none) see the real me - which I don't even know if is the real me or not. What even is real and do I even have the capability to confirm reality.

Post movie: The Sisterhood of Night

I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into. I had tried for many years to fit in. I had pursued friendship, love, affection and in doing so, destruction. As I began to lose weight, I began to lose myself. My identity was not yet known to me; and in those two years, I walked further away from it. I wonder who I would have become was I not to be who I am, was I not to have met certain people in my life. It is a constant battle I am constantly trying to win. But to be honest, I don’t even know what the prize is; and sometimes I simply just want to reach the end. I stopped staying up late listening to music and thinking, imaging, making up scenarios that would never happen. I started a blog – a vent machine; a place where I can share my thoughts, albeit secretly. I started to fucking use words like albeit. I grew up, I fucked up but I stood up. I really don’t know what exactly I stand for, but damn I know what I believe in. It’s a shame I find it hard to talk to actual people. I find speaking a bit too strenuous and to be honest, not very exciting. There really is no point engaging in conversations with people who have no fucking idea who you are, who they are and even what they are talking about. 

The sisterhood of night – a movie I believe every single girl should watch. Based on a short story written by an author I have never heard of, it spoken directly to my heart and as my eyes welled up as the story ended and the soundtrack played on, I thought of who my true friends are and if I felt comfortable sharing my secrets and thoughts with, well, basically everyone. This is one of the reasons I have refused to publicize this blog – trust fucking issues man. I’m not going to say what the movie was about but just that it was about something worth hearing about.

I spend so much time, more time before than now, wanting a boyfriend, no wanting to be loved, no wanting love; when to be very honest I have no idea what it is I want. I don’t have regrets about my past, but I surely don’t want to repeat some things. I’ve learnt a lot the past four years; some things I was definitely not yet ready to learn, but better sooner than later – if that’s even the saying.