I am currently in an extremely confused state.
I currently have some weird emotions towards someone who I really should not be. Literally, all forces are against this. This person is a member of staff at my school. I am 18 and the person is 21. 3 years difference. I find myself thinking about person X almost throughout the day and my mind wonders off into so many different scenarios. At first it started off as admiration; X was basically how I always wanted myself to be. X is determined and so cool. Now however, I am finding myself getting more and more attracted to X. I have the burning desire to hug/hold X and just hold on to them. I know it is completely wrong and I really shouldn't be thinking this, but I am getting the same vibes from X. I feel like the same thing holding me back is what holds X back. the teacher-student relationship, the age, the sex.
I really want to be best friends with X. I want to have long night chats, cuddles, deep conversations with this person. I want to watch movies at night. I want to kiss them for long periods of time, I want to be able to hold X's hand and have them whisper in my ear; reassuring me of their emotions.
I swear I think about this person more than I think about myself. X is one of those people you just have to love. X is amazing. I am actually so happy to have met X. Literally, just seeing X makes me so happy. I have been quite happy lately, and my heart skips a beat when I see X. But due to circumstance, I have also been quite sad. I cannot express myself how I would normally do. I cannot friend them on social media, I cannot touch them and it kills me deeply. I just want to be able to be with them simply, without it being a big deal.
I'm also trying to figure out who I am. Am I this person now? the girl who falls for the teacher.
Different people have told me that X has spoken about me to them. Just as I have made excuses to bring X up, I guess X is doing the same. Being subtle but also trying. Its an extremely complicated situation and I hate it.This is ridiculous. I spend hours stalking X as much as I can with the limited access I have. X is so beautiful. X deserves a wonderful lovely experience. I'm just not sure if this is a phase or if this is real. What I am sure of however, is that this is really hard. Just thinking about X makes me shiver and I get butterflies and goosebumps. Its exciting!
